Episode 106: Conversation stoppers
4/9/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate,
grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this
and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 106. In life after loss, conversations can be draining.
In this episode, I offer four practical tips to gently end a conversation in order to
spare your energy.
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Do you find yourself, in life after loss, navigating the grocery store in stealth
mode, dodging the people you know, in hopes to avoid that awkward conversation? The
intrusive questions. The unwanted sympathy. The pep talk filled with platitudes.
You may dread making small talk at a gathering you really didn’t want to go to in the
first place.
Many conversations just aren’t relevant anymore. You simply can’t relate to a lot of
people these days, and they’re the very same people you used to be able to relate to.
They haven’t changed, but your loss has changed you.
And you’re suddenly aware of who in your life is grief savvy and who isn’t. Chances
are that most people are not.
Because the world is full of not-so-grief-savvy people, and conversations are suddenly
a challenge. You can feel that last ounce of energy draining away, leaving your tank
on empty.
Sometimes you’ll need to opt out of a conversation. To bring it to a close. Simply
because you don’t have the energy that it’s costing you.
It’s not rude or selfish to protect your energy. It’s in short supply, after all. You
need it to get you through the day. You have none to spare.
And when you have the words that feel right for you, you can bring a conversation to a
close lovingly. Here are a few strategies to try on for size.
1. Allow for silence. Not every statement needs a response. Look for
places in a conversation that you can simply not reply. Let there be a pause. It’s not
up to you to keep a conversation going.
2. Don’t take responsibility for how the other person feels. It’s not
your job to help them to feel better, or worry less about you. How anyone feels
depends on their own thoughts. So you truly don’t have any control over how they feel.
3. When you’re faced with intrusive questions, like, “How did he die?” Or
“Are you dating yet?” You may want to buy yourself time by asking, “Why do you ask?”
This puts some responsibility on the person, which may be appropriate. Another option
when faced with questions that feel intrusive is to say, “I’m not ready to discuss
that.” And depending on the situation, you may simply say, “I’m not going to discuss
that with you.”
4. If you need to bring a conversation to a close, use this versatile
sentence, “I don’t expect you to understand what this is like for me.” And you can
add, if you want to, “In fact, I’m so glad you don’t.” This is a multi-purpose
response. It gently lets the person know that they’re not understanding you, and at
the same time, makes it okay that they don’t. It’s a great phrase to use when someone
is trying to “fix” you with platitudes, or suggesting that you should be further along
already, or criticizing your grief, or suggesting that they “know just how you feel.”
Grieving is learning. You’re learning who you are, now. You’re learning how to
navigate people, conversations, and your finite energy levels. You’re not supposed to
know how to do this, because you’re learning it now. Learning means trial and error.
This is figure-out-able. There will be a time that you have these skills mastered. A
time when conversations don’t drain your last ounce of energy. You’ll learn who has
the capacity for a deep, authentic conversation, and who doesn’t.
You’ll learn who you can really talk to, and who you can’t.
You’ll learn who is going to be there for you, and who isn’t.
Some people will surprise you by their absence, and others will surprise you with
their presence.
I hope you’ll find that at least one person in your life has the capacity to sit with
you, in exactly the place you’re in, and simply keep you company.
Let yourself learn as you go. Don’t expect perfection, because it won’t be perfect by
any means. It’ll be messy, because grief is messy. Keep showing up, keep learning, and
keep being kind to yourself as you do.
And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life
Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If
you get it in paperback, you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
