Episode 105: “You’re so strong”
4/2/25
Music
You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate,
grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this
and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 105. In this episode, I’m talking about what may be the
most unhelpful compliment many widowed people receive, and I offer various ways to
navigate it.
Music
How many times in your life after loss have you heard, “You’re so strong?”
It’s meant to be a compliment, of course. And it’s probably stated with love, maybe
admiration, and with the best of intentions.
I wonder how you respond to that statement. And I wonder how you feel when you hear
it.
For me, many of my clients and many widowed people I speak with, hearing “You’re so
strong,” is confusing and awkward. Confusing because as we navigate life after the
loss of a spouse, we feel anything but strong. And awkward because, what do you say
in response?
It can be tempting to jump on a soapbox and try to educate our not-grief-savvy society
about what it’s really like to lose your person.
It can also be tempting to simply say, “Thank you,” because you don’t have the energy
or the words to explain the reality. And does the person have the capacity to
understand, anyway? Probably not. And good for them.
Hearing “You’re so strong,” in the most profoundly difficult time of life leaves many
widowed people feeling unseen and misunderstood.
It helps to find people who get it. Who understand the fact that you’ve been given no
choice. Who understand the messiness. The people who can see the truth - that
sometimes you’re barely functioning, even as the rest of the world thinks you’re
looking strong. There are a few episodes of this podcast that offer ways to find your
people.
And even if you have a tribe of grief savvy friends who get it, much of the world does
not. So what to say?
Well, you certainly can jump on the soapbox, but it’s exhausting and I suspect you
don’t have extra energy right now now.
You also can opt out of the conversation and simply say, “thanks.”
There’s no one right way here.
But consider that there is a middle ground that might feel more truthful, more
authentic. Let me offer you some possibilities for you to try out when you hear,
“You’re so strong.”
1. I feel anything but strong.
2. Thanks, but it’s messier than it looks.
3. I’m functioning as best I can.
4. I’m doing my best, and that looks different every day.
5. I’m really hurting.
6. This is profoundly difficult.
And where does the conversation go from there? It depends on the person. You might
want to take the lead and wrap it up with a loving sentence like, “I don’t expect you
to understand what this is like for me. In fact, I’m so glad you don’t.”
People want you to be strong, better or “fixed,” probably from the goodness of their
hearts, and possibly because they don’t know how to interact with you if you’re not. I
was once one of those people.
Until you know…..you can’t possibly truly know.
So we do our best with those who don’t know, and we hope they never do. I hope my
suggestions will help.
And I want to reiterate the importance of finding your way to those who, unfortunately
for them, get it. Because that’s where you can be authentically you and where you’ll
feel seen and understood. People who see you showing up each day, stepping through the
messiness of grief, and doing it again the next day. People who understand that
secondary losses can pack a punch, and who will sit alongside you and keep you company
in the exactly place you’re in. Those people exist, and finding them will help.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that
I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
Music
If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life
Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback. If
you get it in paperback, you’ll also receive the accompanying journal, and instant
access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Links are in the show
notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
