Episode 102: Why coming home is hard
3/12/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 102. In this episode, I take a close look at coming home, why it’s so tough for widowed people, and how to make it easier.
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No matter how long ago your person passed, you probably experience how challenging it is to come home.
For those who go to an office, coming home can be a dreaded part of the day.
If you’ve gone away on a trip, coming home can pack a punch.
As I record this, I’ll soon be heading to Houston for Camp Widow where I’ll be presenting. And at the end, we always prepare attendees for what’s called camp crash, meaning the difficulty of going home.
(If you don’t know about Camp Widow, there’s a link in the show notes.)
Coming home after a change of scenery is yet another in-your-face, what’s the best word? ……reinforcement…..of your person’s physical absence. It means stepping fully back into the life that you didn’t sign up for. It’s re-experiencing your reality, and it hurts.
It probably made sense to your brain that you person wasn’t in your workplace, but coming home makes the reality obvious, yet again.
For some, coming home was special.
And now, coming home is just walking into a house that’s empty and quiet.
You may feel like your person was your home. I certainly felt that way.
Here’s what’s important to know - It’s not the walking into your house that’s so hard. It’s how you feel when you do.
The brain is hard wired to avoid difficult feelings. So, if you’re a person who will do anything to avoid going home, that just means that you have a normal human brain.
Maybe you make plans each night, or stay as busy as possible, to delay the going home.
Or maybe you can come home and stay busy, but what you dread is going to bed.
In any case, here’s what I wish I knew in the years following my husband’s death: resisting the feelings is always exponentially harder than feeling the feelings.
By resisting I mean trying to stay overly busy, overeating, overdrinking, overspending, over-scrolling, binge watching, or whatever your strategy is. There are two problems here. First, each strategy has its own negative consequence. And second, none of it actually works.
Because what we resist…..persists.
There is a better way, and that’s to feel however you feel, as soon as you walk through the door. Fully experience that feeling. Notice how it feels in your body. Notice where in your body you feel this feeling. If you had to describe it in detail, how would you do it?
Is it in motion or not? Is it in a particular shape? If it had a color, what color would it be? How intense is it, on a scale of 1 to 10?
Tell yourself, “Right now, I feel, say, lonely, and that’s okay.” It’s safe to feel however you feel. Stay with it, allow it to be there. Breathe it in, invite it in. Let it be with you for a few minutes.
Very likely it will change within those few minutes. Maybe it will loosen, lighten or dissipate. It may change in color and shape. Just notice it, observe it. There is no right or wrong. What’s important is your willingness to just feel however you feel.
By experiencing your feelings in that way, you’ve set down any attempts to avoid, numb, or resist it. You’ve saved yourself so much effort and energy.
Dr. Mary Francis O’Connor writes in her book The Grieving Brain, “I have known people who have told me that when they stopped trying to avoid feeling grief, grief was not as hard to tolerate as the effort required to avoid it.” Unquote.
That’s certainly been my experience, and that of my clients.
Is coming home easy? Nope. Does it need to be one ounce harder than absolutely necessary? Also no. You’re a person who has felt the most profoundly difficult feelings already. There is no quota on difficult feelings, though. You’ll still feel discomfort in this life, including when you walk through the door. The best, most efficient way is to feel those feelings exactly as they are.
You’ve got this.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback, along with the accompanying journal, plus you’ll get instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Links are in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
Camp Widow: www.campwidow.org
