Episode 100: When relationships are challenging
2/26/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 100. In this episode, I’m talking about difficult relationships in life after loss and offering three important concepts that will help.
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Welcome back to the podcast. I’m celebrating 100 episodes today. Before this, I had never created a podcast before. I didn’t know how to record one, much less edit it myself and then publish it. But I wanted to help on a bigger scale. I wanted to reach people who I would potentially never meet, and never be able to help through coaching.
I wanted to offer a weekly dose of understanding, practical help, and love. So, I just decided that it was figure-out-able, and it turns out that was true. So 100 episodes later, I’m back today, thinking of you as I always do.
I recently presented a webinar on the topic of people pleasing- the link is in the show notes in case you missed it. As I was preparing for it, I heard from several people who were experiencing difficult relationships – that’s one way of putting it. For example….
One person, after much consideration, sold the home she and her husband had raised their family in, and one of her children became angry. Angry enough to cut off all communication.
Another received an email from a stepson citing every single thing she had done “wrong” in his mind, from day one of dating his dad. He ended the email saying that there would be no further communication.
Another person shared her concerns with her children not getting along and how painful that is for her.
Another person received an email from a friend of more than 5 decades, attacking her character, claiming that she was no longer a good friend, and ending the friendship.
Losing a spouse is profoundly difficult. Add to that, tough situations like these. And they’re more common than not. Nearly every widowed person has friendships that came to an abrupt end. The people you thought would be there for you, are not. The people who SAID they would be there for you are missing in action.
These are secondary losses that pack a punch, that no one saw coming, that no one warned you about.
They layer pain on top of pain.
They make you question your role in the situation. You spend countless hours second guessing, wondering if they’re right and you were wrong. Thinking about how you could have done it differently, said something differently, or said nothing at all. Deciding that you are, indeed, a terrible person.
Here’s what I want you to know.
You’re not your former self. Death changed you, too. And you didn’t sign up for that. Death changes everything, in fact. It impacts every decision and every relationship. It limits your energy levels significantly. It changes how you see the world, what you think is important and what you’d now call trivial. What used to be a fit, no longer fits.
What once seemed important, doesn’t.
What was once relevant is suddenly and completely irrelevant.
Some relationships will come to a close, others will need a pause, others will continue, although differently so.
That’s the way of it. Death is that catastrophic. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing your best in the most unthinkable of situations. There are no instructions for situations like this. So in any given moment, you just do the best you can do, with the limited energy you have.
That’s the first thing I want you to remember: grief changes everything, including you.
And here’s something else that’s important for you to know. It was always going to happen this way. It’s easy to argue with the reality of the situation. She should have never said this to me. He should be more understanding and considerate of my feelings. The kids should not argue.
But that puts us in a place of arguing with the reality, which creates loads of extra suffering. The truth is that we humans are a messy lot. Some friendships seemed unconditional, until you realize differently. Until your person’s death changed you just enough that you no longer meet that person’s unspoken conditions.
The kids are going to argue, because they’re humans and humans argue.
People are going to feel angry. Anger is an emotion that the brain prefers because it feels less worse than grief.
You can’t control how other people feel. You were never able to control how other people feel. The way any person feels in any given moment is because of their thoughts. You could show up as wonder woman, but someone could still think that you’ve not done enough, weren’t good enough, or didn’t say the “right” things.
People have ideas about how we should grieve. But they don’t walk in our shoes, and we wouldn’t want them to.
We always want to show up as the best possible version of ourselves, of course. But that’s where it ends. We have no control over another person’s thoughts. They’re free to think any thought, just like we are.
You could love your step kids like your own, invite them, include them, support them, do everything possible to be a part of their life, and they still might think you didn’t do it right.
Anais Nin is quoted as saying, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
All we can do is our best, and then people will see things as they choose to.
It’s painful. I recognize that, and I want to help you honor that pain. The best way to honor it is to let it be there, without judgement. Which might sound like, “Right now I’m feeling sad about this relationship, and that’s okay.”
Episode 4 of this podcast will help you process these difficult feelings.
So again, three important concepts I hope you’ll take away from this episode:
1. Death changed everything, including you.
2. It was always going to happen like this.
3. You can’t control how anyone feels.
That’s what I have for you today, friends.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now available on Audible, or in paperback, along with the accompanying journal, plus you’ll get instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Links are below.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle
https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
