Episode 97: People Pleasing
2/5/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 97. In this episode, I’m talking people pleasing – what it means, why we do it, what it costs, and how to stop.
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In my life before loss, I did a lot of what I now know to be people pleasing. If I was invited to three different parties on a Saturday, I would figure out a way to make them all. Because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.
Even when I was exhausted, if someone needed something, I would make it happen. I said yes when I wanted to say no.
I genuinely wanted to make other people happy, and I did it at my own expense.
One definition of people pleasing is prioritizing the needs of others over one’s own needs.
People pleasers have a hard time saying “no,” and they feel guilty when they do. They worry about what other people think. They don’t want to be seen as selfish. So, they end up doing things they really don’t want to do, apologizing a lot, and neglecting their own needs.
It can be driven by insecurity, fear of rejection, or perfectionism, to name just a few.
That was me. With the crazy busy schedule. And the kind and understanding husband who could see it for what it was, and who patiently waited for me to get home so we could spend a little time together before I crashed.
And then the unthinkable happened – my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly.
It marked the beginning of a surreal existence with nearly non-existent energy levels. I bet you can relate.
If you’re lucky like I was, the people around you are kind and trying to be helpful. And it isn’t long before they’re wondering when your old self is going to reemerge.
That version of you, that, maybe, was a people pleaser, too.
The people around you reap some benefit from you, and vice versa.
What no one warns us about is that if you’ve lost your spouse, you’re not your former self. Death changed you, too.
I wish someone had told me that, so I could have spent much less time and effort looking for my former self, impatiently waiting for her to show up and pick up where she left off.
If I had understood this about myself, it would have been easier to put other people on notice. I would have crafted a full disclosure memo that said, “My former self is no more. I am learning my current self. I don’t know much about her yet. I no longer expect me to be my former myself, and you shouldn’t, either.”
If energy could be easily measured, I would have guessed myself to have about half an ounce, which was gone by 8 am. Which was both the worst and best thing.
It was the worst thing because I had no energy for what needed to happen – the grief, the paperwork, the decisions, my workday, to name a few.
Having nearly non-existent energy was also the best thing because it was my temporary pass that excused me from people pleasing.
People pleasers are generally helpful and kind, and they struggle with advocating for themselves, speaking up for their own needs. They find it hard to say no.
It took my husband’s passing for me to say no.
What I later learned is that I can’t “make” anyone feel anything. I could go the extra mile, or five miles, for someone, and they can still feel disappointed that, in their mind, I didn’t do enough.
I also learned what selfish really means. It’s being overly concerned with our own needs, regardless of others, and sometimes at the expense of others.
Self-care, on the other hand, is tending to one’s own needs. In doing so, we become a better version of ourselves, which causes a ripple effect, positively impacting others.
Selfishness is at the expense of others.
Self-care positively impacts others.
I learned that self-care isn’t selfish. That in saying no to others, I was saying yes to myself and my needs, which were many. Practiced over time, my self-care had a positive impact on the people I love.
Initially I had considered myself to have a temporary pass from people pleasing, but it became permanent. It helped me tend to my grieving heart without distractions. It allowed me to use that tiny amount of energy on what mattered most. It gave me space to figure out who I was in life after loss. It helped me to be more authentically me.
Today I let other people feel however they feel, because the truth is that they’re going to feel that way anyway.
Maybe you hesitate to sell your spouse’s vehicle, or tools, or the house you shared, for fear of upsetting the adult children or other family members. You don’t want to add to their grief.
Consider the expense to you, whether financial or emotional or otherwise. You get to decide if it’s worth it to you to shoulder that expense, and for how long. There isn’t an inherently right or wrong decision.
Your family is going to grieve one way or the other. And you are, too.
By prioritizing your needs, you’re stepping forward toward a life that honors your person, and you, too.
You’re becoming a person who keeps a finger on your own pulse, always checking in about your own needs, and energy levels: brain, body and spirit.
You’re become a person who ideally keeps those batteries charged, but when necessary, you recharge in the ways that work for you.
Maybe you’ll end up with a smaller circle of friends who are good for your soul. You’ll do things when you have the energy to, and when you genuinely want to.
It’s a more curated life.
It’s a more authentic life.
That’s my wish for you.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now available on Audible. The link is in the show notes.
For more help with prioritizing your needs, interacting with people who don’t understand you, and ending people pleasing, join my upcoming webinar on Monday, February 10th at 4 pm pacific time (that’s 6 central and 7 eastern). Click the link in the show notes to register. And if you can’t attend live, register anyway and I’ll send you the replay.
Show notes
Sign up by clicking here: https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/people-pleasing
