Episode 95: Wedding Anniversaries
1/22/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 95. In this episode, I take a close look at wedding anniversaries and offer strategies to help alleviate the dread, plan for the day and manage expectations.
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Welcome to the podcast. Before we dive in, I have an announcement that I’ve been waiting to share. My best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, is finally available as an audiobook on Audible. I narrated it myself, with lots of love. It’s available on Amazon, just select the audiobook format. It’s perfect if your brain isn’t ready to read, or if you can’t yet retain information. It’s also perfect for listening on the go, in your car, or on your walks.
If you prefer having a book in hand, you can get the paperback version on Amazon, too.
But if you order from my website, you’ll get a signed copy of the book, the accompanying journal and a 3-part video series that will help you to better understand your grieving brain and offer simple and practical tools to help you feel better right away. Links are in the show notes.
Now, let’s talk about wedding anniversaries. Just the thought of it can pack a punch.
Here’s what I want you to know: there’s the pain of it, and there’s extra suffering too that comes quite naturally. I want to help you separate the two. Because if we can alleviate the suffering, and deal with the pain, then we can make the day much more manageable.
We use the words pain and suffering somewhat interchangeably, so let’s clarify for our purposes today. Pain is the wound. It comes with the territory of this profound loss. Suffering is like salt that is poured into the wound.
When we experience a wedding anniversary after the loss of a spouse, there is probably a lot of both – wound and salt.
Let’s talk about the anticipation first.
What was once a day worth celebrating now brings a heavy dose of dread, and it can hit weeks in advance. You might find yourself in a constant state of flinching as you anticipate the pain of the day. Your brain suggests that it will be too painful. You can’t bear it.
No matter if you’re facing your first, third or fifth wedding anniversary without your person’s physical presence, you may be feeling the dread. If so, that’s normal. You’re not doing anything wrong.
And also, that dread is heavy. So let’s see if we can lighten your load.
I want to offer you that your wedding anniversary is just one day. Twenty-four total hours, and fewer waking hours. While it won’t be a cake walk, it also is not going to be the hardest day you’ve ever experienced. You have already felt worse than you will feel on this day.
Revisit episode 4 of this podcast – I walk you through how to feel a difficult feeling. Practice doing this in advance of your anniversary, and do it on that day. In doing so, you’ll experience the power of facing a difficult emotion head on. It’s surprisingly efficient and effective.
To the degree that you can alleviate the dread, your load will be lighter and you’ll have less suffering as this day approaches.
In terms of planning for the day, consider a few things.
1. What would be good for your soul? What would be soothing and calming? What would bring you peace? Do lots of that.
2. In what way might you honor your person? It can be a random act of kindness. You can enjoy their favorite food or beverage. Write a note to them. Light a candle. Plant a tree or garden. Those are just a few ideas, but consider what’s best for you.
3. You may want to revisit a favorite place you shared, or blaze a new trail. I found it easier to do new things and go to new places. Think about scheduling a day trip if that’s of interest.
4. Consider whether it will help you to be with people or in solitude? I personally crave silence and solitude and nature on anniversaries and other milestone days. Plan for what’s best for you.
5. This is the most important tip: whatever you do this year is just an experiment. You’re learning yourself. You’re learning what’s best for you on your wedding anniversary. There’s no one “right” way. Whatever you decide to do this year will have pros and cons. Think of it as experimental. Spend a few minutes after your anniversary to make note of what went well, what didn’t, and what you’d like to do differently next year.
So one form of suffering is the dread, the weeks of flinching. Another form of suffering comes in the form of thoughts about your anniversary. Perhaps your brain will offer you thoughts like,
I’m moving on without my person. Or…
I’m leaving him in the past.
Friends, never believe everything you think. Brains offer thoughts, and some are not true, and some are incredibly painful. The good news is that thoughts are optional. Your brain might offer you one thought, but you can then choose to think a different one, on purpose.
You can bring your person forward into this day.
You’re moving forward in a way that honors and includes your person.
It’s still your day.
I see many social media posts that say, “It would have been 50 years ago today.” I say delete the “would have been.” It was 50 years ago today that you were married. That’s worth honoring.
Now, in terms of managing expectations…..I speak with lots of widowed people who feel misunderstood, unseen and unsupported by their family and friends. And this can be even worse on a wedding anniversary.
It’s likely that the people who love you won’t remember the day. Not many people remember wedding anniversaries in general, when both spouses are living.
So in life after loss, they probably won’t reach out to acknowledge the day and they won’t have the slightest idea how difficult it is for you.
I hope you have people in your life who will reach out, but at the same time, I want you to be prepared if they don’t.
Of course, you can ask them in advance to check on you. You can make plans to spend the day with people who are dear to you. It may take a little effort on your part. We can’t expect people to be any more grief savvy than they actually are. Holding out hope that non-grief savvy people will be supportive is a form of suffering.
I hope you will find your tribe of grief savvy people. Give episode 48 a listen for more on that topic.
To summarize, wedding anniversaries are tough in two ways: there’s the pain, and there’s the suffering.
The goal is to acknowledge and process the pain. And to spot any extra, unnecessary suffering and eliminate it. So that this day isn’t one ounce harder than necessary.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s now available on Audible. The link is in the show notes.
Show notes
Get Life Reconstructed as an audiobook: https://www.audible.com/pd/B0DRDL949F/?source_code=AUDFPWS0223189MWT-BK-ACX0-426818&ref=acx_bty_BK_ACX0_426818_rh_us
Get the book, accompanying journal and 3-part video series by clicking here: www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook
