Episode 94: What to do when something breaks
1/15/25
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 94. This episode explains why it’s incredibly hard when things break, and exactly what to do about it. I offer a simple, 4-step process to help.
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Your spouse passed, and you survived the initial onslaught. The arrangements, the planning, the paperwork. Eventually you made your way back to functioning again. Getting through the day-to-day routines of life.
And then the furnace breaks. The tree limb falls. The pipe leaks. Or the refrigerator breaks, or the car won’t start.
It’s hard enough to keep stepping through a life you didn’t sign up for. It would be nice if life gave you a break. There should be a quota on things going wrong, but there is not.
And when something does go wrong, it’s surprisingly, incredibly hard.
It can send you spinning. It shines a spotlight on your person’s physical absence.
It convinces you that you’re not qualified to do this life. It feels insurmountable. It can feel like despair.
To the outside world, it’s just a furnace, or a tree limb, or a pipe or refrigerator. It can be fixed.
But to you, it’s that your person died plus the broken furnace, tree limb, pipe or refrigerator. Yes, one of them can be fixed, but the other cannot. And that’s the bigger problem. When something breaks, it compounds the real problem. It makes it all the more real, and all the more painful.
There are two things in play here that I want you to understand.
First, negativity bias. Which is not exclusive to grief, it’s a human thing. Researchers believe that we think 60,000 thoughts a day, and 80% of those thoughts are negative. And my guess is that for widowed people, it’s much higher than 80%. So, it’s likely that your brain notices and focuses on all that’s gone wrong. Understandably so. This is normal.
Another normal brain tendency is confirmation bias, which is the brain seeking out more and more evidence to support what you already believe to be true, while simultaneously blocking out any evidence to the contrary. My brain believed that I wasn’t qualified to do this life without my husband. That I didn’t have what it takes. That I didn’t have any idea what I was doing.
So when something broke, or the tree limb fell, my brain used that as even more evidence that my situation was hopeless.
If this is happening to you, I have a 4-step process to help. And even if you haven’t had to deal with things breaking yet, I would still suggest this practice for you. It’s never too early to start.
We want to recognize that negativity bias and confirmation bias are normal for all humans. And also, we don’t want them to dominate our thinking. We want to balance them out. Steps 1 and 2 do just that. So let’s dive in…..
1. To balance out negativity bias…..Remind yourself of all that you’ve managed to date. Make a list of all that you’ve accomplished, repaired, decided and completed. You’ve walked through the unthinkable, and you’re still here. Give yourself credit where it’s due.
2. To balance out confirmation bias, remind yourself that if you can accomplish everything you listed in step 1, you must be qualified. You clearly have what it takes. You can do this, because you’ve been doing this.
3. While it’s natural for your brain to argue with the situation, which sounds like, “He should be here,” it will help you to sync up with your current reality. “This is the part when….the tree limb breaks, and I handle it myself.” “This is what I’ve got today.” In doing this, you set down the resistance and save significant energy for the task at hand.
4. Get resourceful. Post on social media that you’re looking for recommendations for a reputable business. Go to YouTube, it’s amazing what can be found there. Or ask a trusted friend or neighbor for advice. Some people very much want to help you in the way that they can. They can’t find the words, but they would love to fix something for you. That may be the language they speak. Let them love on you in the way they know how.
Above all, never believe everything you think. Some of it isn’t true at all, and some of it might seem true, but isn’t useful in any way. Our brains will always offer thoughts, and then our job is to be the editor of those thoughts. And then think true and useful and kind thoughts, on purpose.
Which I’ll be explaining in greater detail in next week’s free webinar called New Year, More Grief: what to do when it gets worse instead of better. It’s Tuesday, January 21st, 2025. The link to register is in the show notes.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s available by going to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook I’ll send you a signed copy of the book and the accompanying journal, plus you’ll get instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Again, go to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/new-year-more-grief
