Episode 90: Help for the holidays: six simple tips
12/18/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 90. In this episode, I offer six simple tips that will help to make this holiday season easier.
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No matter if it’s your first, fifth or tenth round of holidays without your spouse’s physical presence, we all have something in common. We haven’t done this one, yet. I haven’t done the 13th holiday season without my husband.
I’m no expert in #13. You’re no expert in whatever number you’re about to experience.
So in a sense, we’re all beginners.
A beginner’s mindset is incredibly helpful in life after the loss of a spouse.
You’re not supposed to know exactly how to navigate this holiday season. There is no one “right” way, after all, and there is no rule book or owner’s manual.
Someone else’s way is not necessarily your way.
And there’s no one perfectly “right” way, anyway.
Holidays are a mix of uncomfortable and comfortable emotions – that’s the truth of it.
And they will be a mix of uncomfortable and comfortable emotions no matter how you spend the day.
You can opt out completely.
Or you can attend a celebration, or host one yourself.
You can ask people to share stories about your spouse, and encourage them to say his name, or choose a more low-key approach.
You can make his favorite dish, or not.
You can eat traditional food, or something completely non-traditional.
Whatever you decide to do this year is simply what you decide to do this year.
It doesn’t mean anything about you, how you’re grieving, or your love for your spouse.
It also doesn’t mean that you have to do the same things next year.
An experimental mindset means that you’re not aiming for perfection. It means that you’re aiming to learn.
To learn what’s best for you.
To learn how best to include and honor your person in the holiday season.
Grieving is learning.
You can make a commitment right now as to how you’ll treat yourself after this holiday season. You can decide in this moment that you will choose curiosity and kindness, no matter how your holidays go.
I hope you will choose kindness, because it truly is the best way forward.
And while there is no one “right” way, I would suggest the following:
1. Make time to feel however you feel. The morning of any holiday, I take myself on a walk and I feel whatever needs to be felt. Feelings need to be felt. The more you can proactively feel however you feel, the more you’ll be in control of your emotions during a holiday gathering.
2. Do whatever is good for your soul. I personally need lots of solitude, silence and nature on holidays and actually on any day. Those recharge my batteries, and they keep my batteries charged.
3. Say “no.” Decline invitations when that feels best for you. Don’t offer to volunteer if you don’t have the energy. Step back from friendships that you find draining.
4. Opt out of gift giving if that feels right to you. Make a donation to a charity instead.
5. Know that you’re not your former self. Death changed you, too. However you once planned for and celebrated the holidays is not how you’ll do it now. Instead of kicking yourself for not having the energy and motivation you once had, allow yourself to be your current self. With the limited energy you currently have.
What would it mean to dial back your holidays by half? Maybe that means attending half the gatherings, preparing half of the dishes, buying half the gifts.
And what would it mean to double down on taking care of you? Maybe that means an extra massage, a coffee date with a dear friend, or a long walk by yourself.
And tip #6, after the holidays are over, set aside time to write down what worked well, what didn’t, and what you want to do differently next year. It’s important that you write it down because you probably won’t remember. The more detail you can include, the better you’ll be able to plan for next year.
The more you can have an experimental mindset, the more you’ll be able to learn, and the better prepared you will feel as the next holiday approaches.
So in summary, grieving is learning.
Decide now that you’ll be kind to yourself as you learn how to plan for and navigate the holidays.
1. Make time to feel however you feel.
2. Do whatever is good for your soul.
3. Say “no.”
4. Opt out of gift giving if that feels right to you.
5. Know that you’re not your former self.
6. Debrief your holidays so you can better plan for next year.
Above all, be gentle with yourself.
There will come a time when holidays are familiar to you again. You’ll know how to best plan for them and navigate them. You’ll know what’s best for you, and how you prefer to include your spouse. You’ll have the confidence to change it up some years, and other years you’ll opt to keep it traditional.
There will be a time that you won’t spend weeks flinching in anticipation of the holiday season.
It isn’t because of the passing of time. It’s because of intentionality. Being intentional about staying curious, being gentle with yourself, and tending to your grief.
You can do this.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s available by going to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook I’ll send you a signed copy of the book, the accompanying journal, plus you’ll get instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Again, go to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook
