Episode 89: Opting out of holiday drama
12/11/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 89. In this episode, I offer practical tips to help you navigate the holiday season in the midst of family drama.
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I received an email recently asking for guidance. The person’s family is at odds with each other, and she feels weighed down with their issues. This time of year is hard enough, she added.
I thought her question was excellent, and timely, and so I wanted to record this episode in case it’s helpful for you, too.
A big part of why it’s difficult when our families are at odds with each other is this: we think they shouldn’t be at odds with each other, and that creates extra suffering.
The truth is that they ARE at odds with each other. If we can sync up with this reality, it will help. It may sound like this:
“This is the year that the family is at odds with each other. This is that part. Because some people’s thoughts are in conflict with other people’s thoughts.”
It seems that in these times, people are divided more than ever.
I believe that the vast majority of people are inherently GOOD. They want to see good in the world. They do good things. They are kind.
It’s also true that all of us are sometimes not the best versions of ourselves. We’re grumpy and in a hurry and stressed.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Perhaps Anais Nin said that, or maybe it was German philosopher Immanual Kant, we don’t know. But it’s so good and so true.
We humans are this mix of goodness and, well, messy humanness.
It’s tempting to judge someone else’s messiness, especially when it differs from our own. It’s tempting to judge how someone else voted, how they look, how they act, what they say or don’t say, how they appear to be grieving, or not, and so on.
And maybe you’re a lot like the person who reached out to me in that all of this….family drama shall we call it….. is happening while you’re grieving your person. While you’re stepping through the holiday season that feels surreal and painful all on its own.
You are doing everything you can to get yourself through these weeks, these gatherings, these traditions.
You probably have no capacity to be a sounding board for anyone. To help them with their frustrations, their anger, their opinions, to settle their differences.
Which is totally understandable and normal.
I want to offer you two options.
First, you can opt out of the drama.
You can say, “I love you, and I can’t listen to this right now. This holiday season is challenging for me as it is.”
Or…
“I don’t have the capacity to help you with this.”
Another option is if you want to listen. I strongly suggest that you check your energy levels and remember the old saying about pouring from an empty cup. But if you want to listen, try listening without attempting to solve for anything.
Just listen and if you want to, validate. It might sound like this:
“I’m sorry this is difficult for you.”
“I understand why you’re frustrated.”
“I think you two see things very differently.”
Above all, speak up for your needs this holiday season. What would help YOU the most? Ask for that. For example,
“I’d like for everyone to be together and find common ground.”
If you have to make a choice, choose what’s best for your soul. No decision is necessarily the “right” decision. Every decision has its pros and cons. You’re just deciding what you think might be best, for this year. You can make a new decision next year.
Tend to YOUR needs. Be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself. Love is the way forward.
If you need more help this holiday season, I’m here for you. I have a limited number of private coaching spots available. The link to learn more is in the show notes.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s available by going to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook I’ll send you a signed copy of the book, the accompanying journal, plus you’ll get instant access to a 3-part video series that will help you right away. Again, go to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook
The link is in the show notes.
