Episode 88: Why you shouldn’t be “further along by now.”
12/4/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 88. In this episode, I address the common and painful thought, “I should be further along by now,” and offer practical tips to help.
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Many widowed people think they should be further along by now.
I’ve heard it from people widowed only a few weeks. And a few months, and a few years.
It happens when the holidays roll around, or a wedding anniversary, or the date of your person’s death.
It happens with a new grandbaby or a graduation or a wedding.
And sometimes on an average, uneventful day, you’ll be certain that you should be further along by now.
Or that you’re back at square one.
Yes, you’ve taken a few steps forward, and then many steps back.
Somedays it just seems like you’re failing. Like you’re the least qualified person to do this life alone.
If this is you, I get it. I see you. I understand.
I did it too. It’s normal and common. It’s also extra painful and totally, 100% optional.
Your brain’s job is to offer you thoughts, or sentences in your mind. It’s like there’s a jukebox in there, and when jukeboxes are unattended, they play songs. It’s how they’re designed and how brains are designed.
But we can never believe everything we think. Not all thoughts are true, and they’re also not always useful, and lots of the time, they’re not kind.
When you think that you should be further along by now, or some related thought, something important happens. Your brain looks and finds more evidence that it is true, and it blocks out any evidence to the contrary. It’s called confirmation bias, and it happens in everyone’s brain.
Sometimes confirmation bias serves us really well, for example, we brush our teeth every day because of it, and if you take a walk or exercise often, that’s also because of confirmation bias.
But it does not serve you when you think you should be further along by now.
Here’s the truth: death is catastrophic. Your person’s death changed you, too. And no one prepared you.
No one told you how hard it would be. No one explained how to do this life without them.
It’s this hard.
Look around your life: the stack of paperwork, the laundry, the weeds, the tears, take a full inventory. And then tell yourself, it’s THIS hard. And that’s okay.
The more you can be in tune with your reality, without self-criticism, the sooner you will set down that heavy load of extra, unnecessary suffering.
The journey is hard, but it doesn’t have to be one ounce harder than necessary.
When the jukebox that is your brain gets stuck playing the song called “you should be further along by now,” simply tell the jukebox what to play. Respond with these thoughts:
I’m doing the best I can in a profoundly difficult situation.
My brain is rewiring itself to understand the world without my person’s physical presence.
I’m learning myself, now.
I’m learning how to step through this life that I didn’t sign up for.
I am exactly where I am.
I’m not where I was, and I’m not where I’ll eventually be.
There is a differently beautiful and meaningful life waiting for you. I promise.
You don’t have to do this alone, and I hope you won’t. If you’re ready to take more efficient strides forward, I’m here for you. Life Reconstructed, my program exclusively for widowed people, can help. Click the link in the show notes to learn more.
In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and remember that I believe in you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I’ve created something else to help you. It’s my free webinar called Good Grief: holiday preparedness for widowed people. The link is in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/good-grief-holiday
Learn more about Life Reconstructed: https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/work-with-me
