Episode 87: Death anniversaries: how to plan & navigate tough days
11/27
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 87. In this episode, I share how to approach the date of your spouse’s death, including a helpful mindset, how to plan and navigate the day, and what to do next.
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No matter how long ago your spouse passed, the weeks prior to the anniversary of their death can be grueling. You might be in a constant state of flinching or feeling tense or extra anxious.
Or you might find yourself in a frenzy of overeating, overdrinking, over-scrolling, overspending or staying excessively busy, without fully realizing why.
You may be reliving the events, play by play, or reexperiencing the sights and sounds. Your brain might be offering the familiar, “If only X, then Y,” type thinking.
If it’s your first time, you have no experience with this day. You tell yourself that you don’t know how to get through the day. You worry that it will take you right back to square one.
No matter how long you’ve been on the journey, these dates can be difficult. But they don’t have to be one ounce more difficult than absolutely necessary. And that’s what this episode is about.
I want to offer you specific tips on mindset, planning, navigating the day itself, and debriefing so that you have a solid plan for next year.
Let’s begin with mindset. If there’s any extra, unnecessary pressure on this day, I want to help you with that first. I promise you that there is no one “right” way. There’s also no wrong way. There is only the way you choose to spend the day. And it isn’t a forever decision - What you decide this year is just what you decide this year.
You’re going to experiment, this year and every year. A mindset of curiosity takes the pressure off. None of us have ever experienced whatever year is approaching. Knowing that there’s no one right way, we just do our best. Try something and see how it goes.
Remember that it’s less than 24 waking hours. Which isn’t a lot of time, especially compared to the weeks of dread you might already be feeling.
It will help you to have a plan. Draw on previous years’ experiences if possible. But if it’s your first year, ask yourself, what’s generally good for your soul?
Is it solitude or being with people?
Is it a busy and noisy environment or do you crave silence?
Is there a certain location that you know is good for you?
On my first year, I drove to the mountains, to the lot where we planned to build a little cabin. As soon as I stepped out of my jeep, I felt peaceful. I knew I was on to something. And for years the mountains have been my go-to. But my way may not be your way.
It’s okay to be busy, it’s okay to slow down. It’s okay to decide to go to work, and it’s okay to stay in bed all day. It’s okay if you choose to binge watch or scroll all day. There is no way to do it wrong.
A contingency plan might also come in handy. Having a plan A and a plan B gives you options and the freedom to pivot as you experience the day. Remember, grieving is learning. You’re learning how to do this day. You’re not supposed to know yet.
So, whenever you feel the dread, remind yourself that it’s less than 24 waking hours, you have a plan, you’re learning, and also that while the day very likely won’t be easy, you have most definitely had harder days.
When the day arrives, make time to feel however you’re feeling. Feelings demand to be felt. And to feel them as they come is actually easier than to try to outrun them, numb them, or otherwise avoid them. I’ve tried it all and none of it works. The best way through is straight through. Listen to episode 4 of this podcast for more on processing feelings. It’s linked in the show notes.
So, you’ll feel whatever needs feeling, you’ll do plan A or plan B or something altogether different than what you planned. Any of it is okay.
Your only priority is to draw the next breath. And then the next.
You can be glad he was born and lament that he died.
You can celebrate that he chose you and feel cheated out of the future you planned.
You can feel pain and glimmers of peace.
However you experience the day is perfectly okay.
The following day, make a note of what went well, what didn’t go so well, and what you want to do differently next year. Do write it down, because you’ll likely not remember the details. Jot down some ideas for next year, keeping a curious, experimental mindset. Your future self will thank you.
I recently marked 12 years since my husband’s passing. I hadn’t done year 12 yet. So like every other year, I experimented. I did a few things that I know are good for my soul. I got plenty of silence and solitude. I tried something new this year, which was a horseback ride with some friends. I felt what needed feeling. But next year, I plan to make even more time to feel. I needed more time than I allotted. And that’s okay. I’m always learning, too.
Above all, know that you can do this day. It’s another set of 24 hours that you will walk through in the best way possible. You can decide that you’ve done harder days, that this day will be nothing like that day.
Know that it will not always hurt like this. And be gentle with yourself, and kind. Love is the way forward.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I’ve created something else to help you. It’s my free webinar called Good Grief: holiday preparedness for widowed people. The link is in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/good-grief-holiday
