Episode 85: When and how to deal with possessions
11/13/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 85. In this episode, I offer 5 tips to deal with your person’s possessions, on your terms and on your timeline.
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One of the many challenges of life after loss is dealing with our spouse’s things. From clothing to vehicles, computers to keepsakes and all the little things in between, the weight of it all can be crushing.
We tend to have some unwritten rule about when we should be finished with this often overwhelming task. As if the timing is some measure of whether we are grieving “properly.”
Our brains often tell us that we need to make these decisions quickly so that we can feel that we are “on track” with some notion of how we should grieve.
Of course, some people have to move immediately and therefore have no choice in the matter. But if that’s not you, it’s important to be “on to” your brain.
When we’re feeling the weight of his possessions, we have an opportunity to examine our thoughts. The thoughts your brain offers you can make you feel intense pain and dread or inspired and intentional.
When I thought, “I’m letting him go,” I felt terrible, and I got nothing done. When I thought, “He would want this sweatshirt to keep someone warm this winter,” I felt inspired to take action on his behalf.
When I thought, “He loved this truck,” I felt like I would be failing him if I sold it. When I chose a different thought, “He wouldn’t want it to be wasting away,” I felt motivated to sell it to a friend who I knew would restore it to its original 1947 perfection.
The trick, when you’re ready, is to “try on” various thoughts and decide how each make you feel. Eventually you will find the thought that will make the process tolerable at a minimum.
My husband passed in 2012. I have given away some clothing, but not all. My first effort was around the 5-year mark when I boxed up some warm socks for the homeless. A few years later, I donated more clothing to the local shelter.
I learned that the local university accepts donations for interview style clothing and students can pick out a few outfits a semester. I knew he would love this idea and I still like to think about how sharp some young man looked for his interview, in his size 13 dress shoes.
His kids eventually picked out some things that they treasure. I had pillows made out of some shirts, for his grandkids. I had aprons made for myself and his daughters, which are very cute, thank you, Pinterest.
I still have a few jackets, an assortment of plaid shirts and ball caps, most notably his Navy Seabees items that he wore proudly, many decades after a less than warm welcome home. It’s been little-by-little for me. I may keep some things forever.
In any case, I don’t judge myself, and anyone who has walked in my shoes doesn’t judge me either. Anyone outside of that circle may have opinions, but those opinions aren’t any of my business. I get to decide, and I decide without apology.
You get to decide, too. Dealing with your person’s things is a reminder not to believe everything we think, and also a reminder that thinking thoughts on purpose is our superpower.
Notice any all-or-nothing thoughts. For example, we agonize about whether or not to wear our wedding rings, as if taking them off is an irreversible decision. Similarly, we think of dealing with his possessions as dealing with every single thing, but that doesn’t have to be the case.
We can decide that there is no timeline: not for grief and not for sorting through possessions. When we decide to box up some things is no reflection on us, no measure of grief, and especially no indication of the depth of love for our spouse. Our brains often want to make it mean something, when truly, it does not.
Dealing with possessions is not the same thing as letting him go. I don’t think it’s even possible to “let him go.” There is no deconstructing that connection. I include him in every aspect of my life,
There are lots of hard things in life after loss. Some are required hard things. Others are optional hard things. We get to pick the next hard thing.
Many times in my life after loss have I chosen to NOT do a hard thing. “I’ve done a lot of hard things,” I tell myself, “And I’m not doing this optional hard thing.” At least not today.
Maybe you’ve been navigating a sea of hard things. And maybe dealing with your person’s possessions isn’t the next hard thing you want to choose.
If you DO choose it, choose your thoughts about it.
So to summarize, here are five tips for dealing with possessions:
1. Deal with your person’s possessions when you actually want to, not because you think you should. Because dealing with your person’s possessions is not some milestone that indicates that you’re grieving “properly.”
2. You can, when you’re ready, just select a certain type of item, like white socks, and donate those. It doesn’t have to be every single item, all at once.
3. Don’t make it mean that you’re letting him go. You can decide that you’re doing it on his behalf.
4. Find charities that are close to your heart and support them with your donations.
5. Their possessions are not your connection to your person.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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