Episode 84: Reconsidering your holiday season
11/6/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 84. In this episode, I encourage you to take a fresh look at your holiday season and make new decisions, at least for this year. Plus, I offer simple ways to talk to your friends and family this holiday season.
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If you’re listening to this episode as it’s released, it’s November. And we all know what that means. The holidays are fast approaching.
In my early years, if I were listening to this episode, I would have turned it off immediately, because I very much wanted to pretend that the holidays didn’t exist.
They meant that time marched on, even though my world had stopped. They also represented feelings that I no longer felt, like gratitude and joy. I wanted no part of it.
If you can relate, please do keep listening. Because pretending the holidays no longer exist is actually not the best strategy. I want you to have practical tools to help you, because like it or not, the holidays are coming. So, let’s make sure you’re ready.
By the way, in case you missed it, my recent webinar called Good Grief: holiday preparedness for widowed people, provided lots of practical help. I’ll include a link in the show notes.
In this episode, I want to encourage you to reconsider everything about the holiday season. Everything has changed, after all. So why not view everything through a new lens?
Now you may be certain that you want to do everything in the exact way it’s always been done, and if so, that’s perfectly okay. But do consider whether you have the energy to do it all. Remember that you’re not your former self. Death changed you, too. Give yourself permission to be THIS version of yourself. Who doesn’t have the same energy, focus, or strength, as your former self did.
There is a future version of you, but for now, what you’ve got is THIS version of you. The you who is picking up the pieces, figuring it out, making her way, step by step, through this life that she didn’t sign up for. Be gentle with her, especially during the holiday season. Cut her a lot of slack. Don’t kick her when she’s down. Help her up.
Now, if doing everything exactly as you always have is how you want to spend your energy, do it. There is no way to do this wrong.
On the other hand, if you’re open to some new possibilities, you can reconsider lots of things. At least for this year. Next year you can decide again.
Start by asking yourself this question: What matters most to you this year? Sit with that question. Pause this episode and give yourself time. Write down your answer.
Focus on what matters most to you.
Look at your to-do list and delete some things that don’t matter to you as much this year.
You know, you can opt out of the holidays completely. They’re not required.
If you choose to participate, you don’t have to host a gathering, even if you’ve always hosted it. Let someone else do it. Or go out to eat. Or get take-out.
It may help you to do something entirely different. I have Portuguese roots and my family served a traditional Portuguese meal on my first Thanksgiving, complete with a parade. They threw a mini festa, which was very grief savvy on their part, and it made the day more tolerable for me.
If you don’t break out the fall decorations, it’s okay.
If you don’t cook your usual meal, it’s okay.
If you stay in bed, that’s okay too.
I recommend you dial some things back, and I recommend that if it’s your first year or your 5th year after loss. This will be my 13th year, and I have found a scaled back way to do the holidays that works for me.
If you’re thinking about your family and their needs and expectations, please don’t assume that every little detail matters to them. Ask them. What matters most to you this year? Is it the decorations, the meal, the location, just being together, or something else?
You might be surprised by their answers.
But before you ask anyone else, ask yourself. What are your needs? What are your energy levels? And how are you willing to spend that limited amount of energy?
The people who love you probably don’t understand how much your person’s death changed you, too. It’s okay that they don’t. You wouldn’t really want them to. But you can let them know what your needs are. Here are some examples:
“I need to do less this holiday season.”
“I don’t have the energy I used to have.”
“I’m not able to focus the way I’d like to.”
“I don’t have as much time as I once had.”
“What can we do differently?”
“How can we dial it back? Keep it simple and more manageable?”
If you need to explain, say this:
“His death changed me, too, and I’m still learning myself, how to do this life, and how to navigate the holiday season.” That sentence is true no matter how long ago your spouse passed.
Death changed you, too. Grieving is learning. You’re learning yourself. You’re learning to put one foot in front of the other. You’re learning how to navigate holidays.
It’s tempting to start criticizing yourself. To decide that you’re doing it wrong. That you should be further along by now, or that you’re back at square one.
None of it is true. And none of that will help you heal. In fact, self-criticism will keep you stuck in a spin cycle of suffering. What WILL help you is to be gentle with yourself, and kind. What WILL help you is to have an experimental mindset.
I have never done my 13th holiday season without my husband’s physical presence, so I don’t actually know what that’s like. I do know, however, that I will be kind and gentle with myself. That I will experiment and see how it goes. I refuse to kick myself if it doesn’t go well. I will consider it all an experiment, a lesson, that will inform next year. That’s all.
So, whenever you find yourself being self-critical, stop that. Instead, talk to yourself as you would a dear friend. Because love is the way forward.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, get more holiday prep tips by watching my free webinar called Good Grief: holiday preparedness for widowed people. The link is in the show notes.
https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/good-grief-holiday
