Episode 83: Ten truths about grieving your spouse
10/30/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief
expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every
episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 83. In this episode, I draw on my own experience plus my work
helping other widowed people and offer 10 truths about grieving the loss of your spouse.
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In case we haven’t met yet, I’m Teresa Amaral Beshwate. I hold a master’s in public health, am a
best-selling author and was widowed in 2012. I took a do-it-yourself approach to grief, which
was a long, slow and winding road. Today it’s my mission to help people take the most efficient
way forward to rebuild a full and beautiful life.
I’ve helped tens of thousands of widowed people through this podcast, my book, and in my
coaching practice.
And based on that experience, here is what I want you to know about grieving the loss of a
spouse:
First, it will not always hurt like this. Grief changes by the minute. It’s never the same.
Healing is the process of remembering with less pain and more love. This is the journey you are
traveling. There will be a day that you’ll know this statement is true, and you will say it to
the people who come after you: It will not always hurt like this. If this is exactly what you
need to hear today, listen to Episode 68 for more. All the episodes I’ll mention today are
linked in the show notes.
Second, Your most important relationship is with yourself. It matters now more than ever how you
treat yourself. How you talk to yourself. Kicking yourself when you’re down won’t help. Self-
criticism will not help you heal. Being kind and gentle with yourself will. Love is the way
forward. High achievers, I’m talking to you. Give Episode 80 a listen, because it will help.
Third, Your brain functions differently, for now. This is clear thanks to research using
functional MRI. Your brain is doing a lot of work trying to rewire itself to understand the
world without your person’s physical presence. And that’s just one of the many challenges your
brain is dealing with. If you don’t understand yourself, it will help you immensely to
understand your grieving brain. Go to Episode 3 for more.
Fourth, Never believe everything you think. Just because your brain offers you a thought does
not mean that it’s true, or useful. You’re not doing this wrong. If it were possible to save
him, you would have saved him. You shouldn’t be moving faster, and you shouldn’t be moving
slower. You’re not broken, your heart is broken and there is a difference. Episode 6 will help
you eavesdrop on your thoughts, examine them, and edit as needed.
Fifth, you don’t have to “move on” or “let him go.” Despite what other people might be telling
you! You can move forward in a way that includes your person, every single step of the way.
Episodes 14 and 15 explain further.
Number 6, Feelings need tending. When a child scrapes a knee, you know that the wound needs
tending. Left as is, it will likely get infected, heal slower, and be even more painful than if
it were cleaned and bandaged. Feelings are that way, too. They need tending. In episode 4 of
this podcast, I share how.
Number 7, Relationships change. The people you thought would be there for you probably are not.
The ones who were there initially have gone back to their busy lives. And few people you know
truly understand what you’re going through. But it is possible to navigate difficult situations
and find people who get it. Episodes 62, 76, 77 and 48 will guide you.
Number 8, Self-care has never been more important. It looks different now, because you’re
different now. Your energy isn’t what it used to be, but it is possible to recharge and stay
charged. In Episodes 56-58, I offer specific strategies to do just that.
Number 9, Arguing with reality is extra hard, and an energy drain. “This shouldn’t have
happened,” is a very common thought. It’s one form of arguing with reality. Now, there are no
good or bad thoughts, but there are thoughts that make you feel extra terrible. Episode 52 will
help you sync up with reality, when you’re ready, so that you can feel better.
And finally, number 10, Your life will feel purposeful again. I know….I didn’t believe it
either. It’s a different form of purposeful, because you’re a different version of you. You can
do it all in a way that includes and honors your person. I explain more in episode 65.
Here’s a recap:
It won’t always hurt like this.
Your most important relationship is with yourself.
Your brain functions differently in grief.
Never believe everything you think.
You don’t have to “move on” or “let him go.”
Feelings need tending.
Relationships change.
Self-care has never been more important.
Arguing with reality is extra hard.
Your life will feel purposeful again.
If this episode was helpful, and you’re listening on Apple or Spotify, please rate and review
it. No matter where you’re listening, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I
believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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