Episode 82: How to support a widowed person
10/23/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 82. This episode is one to share with the people in your life who want to help you. It offers 7 practical tips to help them support you better.
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This podcast is for widowed people, but this particular episode is unique. I want you to have something to share with the people who love you, who want to help you. While every widowed person is unique, in this episode I give what I think are common desires that most widowed people share.
So, give it a listen, and if it rings true for you, share it with people who want to support you. Let’s begin.
Hello and welcome. If you’re listening to this, you probably love a widowed person, and perhaps you don’t know how to help. Truly help. As widowed person myself who has helped thousands of other widowed people navigate life after loss, I want to offer you 7 practical tips that will help you be there for the widowed person you love.
Tip #1 Don’t compare your grief to theirs. Don’t compare their loss to any loss you’ve ever experienced- a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend, a dog – none of it. You’re likely trying to communicate that you understand, but the truth is you don’t understand their loss. Don’t make the conversation about you at all. Sharing your own grief is simply not helpful. So tip #1 is Don’t compare your grief to theirs.
Tip #2: Don’t tell them they’re moving too slow. Meaning don’t try to rush them toward where you think they should be. Don’t push them to go on a date. Don’t suggest they should be volunteering by now, or back to work already. Don’t suggest that they shouldn’t be crying so much, or feeling so down. Or that they should “get over it” or “move on.” All of it only adds to their suffering. They are doing their best in a truly catastrophic situation. So tip #2 is don’t tell them they’re moving too slow.
Tip #3: Don’t tell them they’re moving too fast. That they shouldn’t be making so many decisions so soon. They shouldn’t be smiling and laughing so soon. They shouldn’t be out to lunch already. They shouldn’t be on the dancefloor at the family wedding. No one can fully understand what it’s like for a widowed person, so be careful that you don’t form judgements based on something that you’re likely seeing out of context. So tip #3 is don’t tell them they’re moving too fast.
Tip #4: Don’t tell them they’re otherwise doing it wrong. For example, don’t assume that they are not grieving. What you’re likely seeing is them in their game face, which widowed people wear because they have to exist in a world that doesn’t understand grief. Don’t suggest that they shouldn’t be posting so much on social media. That they should focus on the positive, think about how very blessed they are. That they shouldn’t be wallowing or feeling sorry for themselves. That they should have gone through their spouse’s clothes already, or that they did it too soon. That they should or should not be wearing their wedding ring. Again, tip #4 is don’t decide that they are doing it wrong. Because…..(and this is tip #5)…..
Tip #5 Do remember that if you’ve not been widowed yourself, you don’t understand. You can’t possibly understand. Be glad that you don’t understand. And even if you are widowed yourself, your journey is not the same as anyone else’s. There is no one “right” way to grieve.
The greatest gift I ever received was to have someone accurately see my grief, and then choose to spend time with me in exactly that place. Those are two separate skillsets – to truly see someone’s whereabouts is one. To choose to spend time with them as they are, is another. Do spend time with your widowed friend and just let them be exactly as they are.
Tip #6: Do check in with your widowed friends. In the first year, especially in the second year, and beyond. Check in when the seasons change. On the weekends. Especially on a holiday weekend. Especially on holidays – national and religious. Check in on the anniversary of their person’s passing. Check in on their wedding anniversary. On birthdays, including the birthday of the deceased spouse. Add these dates to your calendar so that you’ll be prompted to check in.
Check in after a big storm, or when the weather is about to drop below freezing for the first time this year. Ask what their spouse did around the house, ask what they don’t know how to do, and fill in where you can. Do they know where to find the main breaker box? Main water shut off? (If not, pro tip: Take a video or a photo and send it to them.) How old are the tires on the car? How old is the car battery? Do they know how to cook? How to pay the bills? Do they need help getting through the pile of paperwork? Would they like you to be present when the refrigerator repairman comes?
Know that when you check in, your widowed friend may not have the capacity to have a conversation, but it is important for them to know that you’re there, you’re thinking about them, and you’re ready to help.
Tip #6: Do invite them. They may not have enough mental or physical energy to actually attend, but they want to be invited. Keep inviting them. An overwhelming number of widowed people not only have lost their spouse, but also their friends, and specifically the friends who they thought would be there for them. Please keep showing up for your widowed friend, keep inviting them, don’t let your friendship become yet another loss.
Tip #7: Words fail most of the time. The most grief savvy people I know don’t struggle to find the “right” words. They let love be their language. Love speaks louder anyway.
In the first moments and hours after my husband suddenly passed, I wasn’t understanding plain English. But being wrapped up in the arms of strangers was a language I could fully understand. It was love.
Sit with your widowed friend and say nothing.
Take a walk with them and let them guide any conversation.
And here is a bonus tip: Ask good questions. Rather than ask “How are you?” because that is the question most widowed people dread because it’s nearly impossible to answer, ask “How have you been today?” or “How are you in this minute?”
Ask, “What is this like for you?”
Ask, “How can I best support you?”
Notice things that need to be done and ask if you can take care of it for them.
Know that the loss of a spouse isn’t something a person “gets over” or “moves on” from. For a widowed person, it’s a matter of learning to tend to it, to carry it. There is no finish line, but there is learning to carry it well.
Above all, don’t abandon your widowed friend. They need you more than ever. They need to know that you care and that you’ll be there.
If this episode was helpful, please reach out to a widowed friend today and let them know you care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, my best-selling book, also called Life Reconstructed, will help even more. It’s available on Amazon or by going to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbook
