Episode 81: When life keeps throwing curveballs
10/16/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 81. In this episode, I’m talking about how to deal with the hard things that happen after the death of a spouse, and I offer 4 practical and simple tips to help.
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Once you’ve lost your spouse, there should be a quota on hard things. But unfortunately, there is no such quota. Life marches on, and sometimes it throws curve balls. For example, the death of family member or friend.
Or maybe it’s major home repairs that become necessary thanks to hurricanes, earthquakes, tornados, and the like.
Accidents, injury, illness and surgery are all significant and challenging circumstances to navigate without your spouse’s physical presence.
Or maybe it’s the ache that comes with happy moments, for example, the birth of a grandchild, or the wedding of a family member.
Life keeps happening.
When yet another hard thing happens, our natural response is to try to resist, react, or avoid the discomfort. You try to put on your game face and power through. Or you find yourself flying off the handle. Or overeating, overdrinking, over-scrolling, overspending or binge watching.
Anything to numb the pain. Because you’ve already felt so much pain.
It’s also common to argue with reality. “This should not be happening.” And you long for your spouse even more. “He should be here.”
I share these common reactions because I want to normalize them. These are the ways that we humans respond when life takes an incredibly difficult turn, and then the hits keep coming.
If you’re responding in any of the ways I just mentioned, that means that you’re a normal human being, with a normal human brain. Don’t make yourself wrong. Don’t judge yourself. You’re not doing it wrong.
And know that there are strategies that will help you. Here are four simple strategies that can help right away.
1. Resisting your current situation is totally normal, but it makes for an extra heavy burden. It will help you to narrate your life exactly as it happening. Tell yourself, “This is the part when…….” and insert whatever is happening in your life. “This is the part when my best friend dies, too.” “This is the part when my kids are struggling.” “This is the part when the car breaks down.” By narrating your life circumstances, you’ll set down the burden of resisting and sync up with exactly what is happening. It’s still heavy, yes, but it’s not one ounce heavier than is absolutely necessary.
2. Attempting to avoid or numb difficult feelings doesn’t work, in part because feelings wait. They demand to be felt. Postponed feelings just persist, and compound. So, processing the difficult feelings is the most efficient and effective way through. Processing a feeling can be done as I shared in episode 4, or in any way that works for you, whether journaling, crying, taking a walk, or any form of physical activity. Feelings come in waves. It’s impossible to resist the wave, but it is possible to ride the wave until it passes.
3. Chances are that whatever curveball life has recently thrown doesn’t compare to losing your spouse. Reminding yourself of what you’ve already been through, and the profoundly difficult feelings you’ve already felt, will give you comparative value. Many times in my life after loss I’ve reminded myself that whatever I was dealing with paled in comparison to losing my husband. If that’s true for you, remind yourself of it regularly.
4. Take extra good care of yourself, starting with how you talk to yourself, and including extreme self-care. Listen extra carefully to how you talk to yourself. This is a time to be incredibly kind to yourself, and gentle, and loving. Don’t kick yourself when you’re already down – it doesn’t work, and it feels terrible. There is no downside to being kind to yourself, ever. In fact, it’s the best way forward. And as you practice kindness, also ask yourself what you need to recharge your batteries – physically, mentally and spiritually. I offer more tips in episodes 56-58.
So, to summarize, here are 4 steps for when life throws yet another curveball:
1. Narrate your life as it unfolds: “This is the part when….”
2. Feel the feelings as they come.
3. Remind yourself that you’ve already felt profoundly difficult pain. You are capable of feeling difficult feelings.
4. Consider this a time of extreme self-care. Starting with how you talk to yourself, and including taking extra good care of your physical, mental and spiritual needs.
Life can be brutal, as you well know, and maybe you’re experiencing a lot of that right now. If so, I want to remind you that life can be beautiful too, including life after loss, including as life continues to throw curve balls. While you can’t control the curve balls, you can respond to them in the best way possible using these tips I’ve shared.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to check out my best-selling book, also titled Life Reconstructed. It has helped many thousands of people and it can help you, too. If you buy it on my website, you’ll also get the accompanying journal, plus a 3-part video series to help you feel better, starting right away. Simply go to https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle to get started today.
