Episode 80: Your relationship with you
10/9/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 80. In this episode, I uncover the #1 ingredient needed for life after the loss of a spouse. While most people don’t have it naturally, it can be learned, and in today’s episode I show you how.
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Over the years of coaching and teaching widowed people, I’ve learned that for many….even most people…..there is one important thing missing. And it turns out to be, hands down, the most important ingredient to navigating life after loss.
It is your relationship with you.
How you treat yourself.
How you talk to yourself.
When things are going well.
And also when things are profoundly difficult.
It’s how you treat yourself when your person died just weeks ago, and if it was 5 or 10 years ago.
No matter how long ago they died, and no matter how your person died, what matters most is your relationship with you.
It’s the foundation that you stand on as you pick up the pieces and rebuild your life.
And for most people, that foundation is not in good shape.
It might go back to how you were treated as a child. What adults said to you that you naturally assumed to be true.
Or what you decided was true about you, and then never questioned it again.
How we talk to ourselves is habitual. It’s well practiced, over decades. It comes naturally, for better or worse.
There was a time that being tough with yourself got you across the finish line – to the degree, or the promotion, or some other achievement.
It led to the self-discipline that you needed to hit your goal, no matter how exhausted you were at the time.
Let’s just say that maybe there was a time that it served you to be tough on yourself. Maybe.
But even if that’s true, it won’t help you in life after loss.
It’s that catastrophic that you’ll need new tools, new skills, first and foremost – a solid and loving relationship with yourself.
Because grieving is learning, friends. There’s so much to learn in this life after loss. You’ll need to learn your grieving self, your grieving brain, how to interact with people, how to navigate this life that you didn’t sign up for.
Grieving is learning.
And do you know what prevents us from learning? Self-criticism does.
An overwhelming majority of widowed people are in a constant state of self-criticism. Which keeps us stuck and suffering.
So, no matter if you’re new to grief or years into the journey……
Take a close look at your relationship with you.
Notice how you talk to yourself. Would you talk to anyone you love in that way?
Ask yourself, “What would love say?”
Let me offer you some thoughts to consider. And if they resonate, then practice them regularly so that they become your habitual thoughts.
Think them on purpose, at least once a day, and ideally more.
I am learning this version of me. I don’t know her well…..yet.
I am learning the truth about grief and unlearning the myths.
I am learning to listen carefully to my own thoughts, and how I talk to myself.
I am learning how to be honest and kind to myself.
I am learning to trade self-criticism for self-compassion.
I am learning to acknowledge my efforts and thank myself for doing hard things.
I am learning my needs, which are different now.
I am learning not to judge myself, and to choose curiosity instead.
I am an imperfect human who is learning to not expect perfection.
I am learning to love myself unconditionally.
I am learning that I am worthy of love, and any other thing I want for myself.
Can you hear how gentle and kind these sentences are?
Our thoughts create our reality, so if you regularly practice thoughts that are loving and kind, you will be taking significant strides forward. You would adopt a curious mindset. You would become someone who is learning, observing, and growing.
You would become someone who has a solid relationship with yourself, built on love.
You deserve that.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to check out my best-selling book, also titled Life Reconstructed. It has helped many thousands of people and it can help you, too. If you buy it on my website, you’ll also get the accompanying journal, plus a 3-part video series to help you feel better, starting right away. Simply go to https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle to get started today.
