Episode 75: Why we don’t ask for help
9/4/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 75. In this episode, we look closely at why many people are reluctant to seek help with their grief, and offer a fresh perspective on healing.
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Many of my clients are high achieving people. They set high standards for themselves and achieve them, with focus and discipline. They’re the kind of people who are always helping others. They’re resourceful and decisive. They figure things out, and get things done.
So when the unthinkable happens, they don’t recognize themselves. Not only does death change our spouse in obvious ways, but death changes us too. Its impact is far reaching, and the fallout isn’t immediately obvious – certainly not in the first year. It’s that catastrophic.
And yet, many people are reluctant to get help. Maybe you can relate to this.
Because you’re the person who other people go to when they need help.
Because you tell yourself that you should be able to figure this out.
Which boils down to the idea that getting help is a sign of weakness. It feels too vulnerable to ask for help. It challenges how you see yourself. It contradicts what you’ve known to be true about yourself all these years.
And yet, probably there has been a time that you hired a personal trainer, or an athletic coach. Maybe you once broke a bone, so you went directly to the doctor. Or your muscles were so tense that you sought out a massage therapist. Or maybe you once worked with a career coach, or leadership coach. A physical therapist.
When your car needed repair, you called the mechanic.
You wanted to travel overseas so you worked with a travel agent.
You were looking to buy a house so you called a realtor.
You see where I’m going here. Many times in your life you’ve outsourced. You’ve reached out to experts.
And you didn’t feel vulnerable in doing so. Because you didn’t consider this a sign of weakness. You didn’t tell yourself that you should already know how to do it.
And yes, you could have figured it out yourself. You could have studied to be a personal trainer, or doctor, or masseuse, or mechanic or travel agent or realtor. You are smart enough to have done any of that. But why when you can do with your life what’s most important to you….and seek out the expertise you need, when you need it?
Losing a spouse is so much more devastating than anything else that can happen in life. No one has ever taught you what to expect, or how to do it.
This is not the time to expect yourself to figure it out. To just “fake it until you make it.” To try to power through. To stay busy in an attempt to avoid it all.
Those things require a lot of time and energy – which are already in limited supply - and they simply don’t work.
Why not learn from someone who knows the journey, has tried everything that doesn’t work, until they figured out what did?
Whether it’s counseling, therapy, books, podcasts, or my favorite, coaching. Find what feels like a fit for you. Don’t stop searching until you find what speaks to you. What can truly help you.
You can make it mean that you’re weak…… Or that you’re simply outsourcing. Seeking expertise like you’ve done many other times in your life.
So that you can take the most efficient and direct path forward. Toward the life that’s waiting for you. That life is full of meaning and purpose.
There is a joy there – a joy that is unique. You haven’t ever experienced this particular brand of joy. It’s the kind of joy that is reserved for those who have felt the darkest darkness.
That’s the thing about grief. It demands our attention. It needs tending. And when we do tend to our wounds, we open ourselves up for a more full and authentic human experience than ever before. That’s what’s waiting for you. I know you might not believe it yet. I understand. So I’ll believe it for you, until you’re ready to believe it for yourself. Until you’re ready to step toward that life. And when that happens, I’ll be there to help you.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to join Life Reconstructed, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It will help you step forward toward a life you will love again. Simply go to thesuddenwidowcoach.com and click work with me.
