Episode 73: When you feel so lost
8/21/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 73. This episode is all about feeling lost after your spouse passes. I’ll share why this is normal yet hurtful, and offer 3 simple strategies to help.
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You lost your person, and you might feel like you lost yourself, too. Or maybe more accurately, you feel incredibly lost.
Unmoored, as my client Catherine described it.
Your person probably felt like home, no matter where you were. No matter where you lived.
Your brain was quite literally wired to understand the world with your person physically present in it.
No matter what curveballs life threw at you, you had your person by your side.
Together you had a sense of direction – a plan for the future.
So, it’s not surprising that you feel extremely lost as you live this chapter that you didn’t sign up for.
I certainly felt lost. I told myself over and over again how lost I was. And as I did, more and more evidence proved it true. Napoleon Hill said it best, “Life is a mirror of your consistent thoughts.”
There’s nothing wrong with feeling lost. It certainly seemed true for me, and it seems true for lots of widowed people.
It’s just that it doesn’t serve us in any way. There’s no upside. Telling yourself how lost you are feels extra terrible. It’s pouring salt into the wound.
So I want to offer a few simple suggestions for those moments when you feel so very lost.
1. Notice it. What specific thoughts is your brain offering you? Write them down.
2. Normalize it. “Of course I’m feeling lost. It’s common and normal, and it’s okay.”
3. Notice the ways in which you are NOT lost. What do you know? What do you have? What are you certain about? What have you accomplished, even in the midst of this tragedy?
One reason so many widowed people struggle with feeling lost is that we tell ourselves that we should know where we’re headed. It just isn’t true.
You’re not supposed to know where your life is going. Not yet anyway.
You’re not supposed to have figured out how to have a meaningful life already.
You’re not supposed to be any further along in your grief journey than you are.
All you need to do is this minute, this hour, this day.
The 13th century Persian poet Rumi is quoted as saying, “As you start to walk on the way, the way appears.”
Try to make peace with not knowing how your story will unfold. It’s not yours to know yet.
For now, live with the question.
What if you’re not lost, but instead you’re learning?
Learning yourself.
Learning how to navigate this life after loss.
Learning how to honor your person and yourself.
I told myself I was supposed to know how my life would unfold. Which was a lie that added unnecessary pressure.
And if somehow my fairy godmother would have shown up and told me exactly how my life would unfold, I would have rejected it completely. I would have felt incapable. That too would have added unnecessary pressure.
The middle ground is choosing to be okay with not knowing, yet.
Not knowing until it’s time to know.
Until I’m ready to know.
And in the meantime, whenever the brain offers the thought, “I’m so lost,” redirecting it.
Refocusing thoughts on this minute, this hour, this day. Asking it instead to consider all the ways I was not, in fact lost.
The brain will always offer default thoughts. Some are true and some aren’t. Some seem true but don’t serve us at all and in fact can keep us stuck. What matters most is what thoughts we entertain, what thoughts we practice, what thoughts we believe to be true.
What’s most important is our willingness to examine each thought carefully, and our willingness to consider what else might be true.
Which is exactly what we do inside of Life Reconstructed, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It’s a GPS through the chaos all the way to the full and beautiful life that’s waiting for you.
If you’re listening to this episode as it’s released, the September, 2024 group is forming now. The doors close on 8/28, so grab your spot now. The link is in the show notes.
Because you are the most valuable investment you will ever make. Especially now.
There’s no reason to do this yourself. Not when you can have an expert grief coach to guide you, a community of like-minded peers to support you, and the most powerful tools to help you heal and grow. I hope you’ll join us in September.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to join Life Reconstructed, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It will help you step forward toward a life you will love again. Simply go to thesuddenwidowcoach.com and click work with me.
