Episode 71: How time can stall healing
8/7/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 71. In this episode, I bust the popular myth that time heals, and explain how the passing of time can actually stall healing. I also offer simple strategies to help you feel better right away.
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I don’t know about you, but when my husband passed, dozens of people told me that time would heal. I’m sure I agreed with them, because I also thought it was true.
But the weekends were so long, and holiday weekends were excruciating. I hit the six-month mark, the one year, the two year, and time wasn’t helping me at all. I started to think that the well-worn platitude might be all wrong.
And now I know that time, in and of itself, does nothing at all to heal. In fact, in many cases it stalls healing. Here’s why.
The more we think certain thoughts, the more they just seem to be true. Well-practiced thoughts become beliefs, and the brain eventually files the belief away in the subconscious mind. So, we don’t actually hear ourselves thinking that belief. But it directs our feelings and actions.
Here’s a good example. You probably brushed your teeth today. Why did you do that? You probably believe that it’s good for healthy gums and to prevent cavities. But did you think that through prior to brushing your teeth? No, you already believe it, so in the spirit of efficiency, there was no need to think through the reasons you brush your teeth. You just did it.
And that’s great when it comes to having fresh breath, clean teeth and healthy gums.
It’s not great when those well-practiced thoughts are not true, or don’t serve us well.
Mine were, “I should have been able to save him.” “I missed the signs.” “I should have been a better wife.” “I don’t know how to do this life without him.” “I don’t deserve to be happy because I didn’t save him.”
Any thought that we practice over time becomes a belief. And that belief gets filed away in the subconscious brain. And then the brain does two incredibly important things:
1. It seeks out more evidence to prove the belief true.
2. It blocks out any evidence to the contrary.
It’s called confirmation bias and it means that well-practiced beliefs are reinforced all the more with the passing of time.
Needless to say, these thoughts kept me stuck and suffering. They seemed like facts to me. My brain had gathered lots of evidence to support them, and it rejected anything to the contrary. It was a deep pit of misery.
If time in and of itself actually healed, everyone would make the exact same progress. Everyone at one year would be exactly the same amount of healed, if we could even measure that.
The evidence is everywhere that time doesn’t heal. Social media is filled with comments like, “It’s been 10 years, and it hurts like yesterday.” Yes, I’m sure that’s true. Because our thoughts cause our feelings.
Which is also the best news ever. Our thoughts cause our feelings. Thoughts are sometimes true and sometimes not. They’re 100% optional. They’re also infinite. We humans have the ability to think about what we think about, and choose, on purpose, true and useful thoughts.
And then the brain does exactly what brains do:
1. Seeks out more evidence to prove the thought true.
2. Blocks out any evidence to the contrary.
So, it isn’t time that heals, it’s intentionality. It’s being intentional about examining our own thinking, making sure that our thoughts are true and useful. It’s intentionally thinking thoughts that are true and that serve us well.
I’m not suggesting that we take all difficult thoughts and try to replace them with happy ones. That doesn’t even work. What I am suggesting is that we don’t operate on unexamined, default thinking. That instead we direct our brains to think examined thoughts, on purpose.
I’m diving deeper into this topic this month – August of 2024. Join me on Tuesday August 13th to learn more about how to dig up beliefs, examine them for truth and usefulness, and find intentional thoughts that serve you well, that help you heal and reconstruct a life of your own creation. Save your spot by going to https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/time
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And if you’re listening on Spotify or Apple, please rate and review it so other widowed people can find it.
Remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to join Life Reconstructed, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It will help you step forward toward a life you will love again. Simply go to thesuddenwidowcoach.com and click work with me.
