Episode 69: Chronological age is irrelevant
7/24/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 69. In this episode, I urge you to take a close look at your thoughts about your age, how they might be limiting your life after loss, and what else is possible.
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Ageism is alive and well, at least in the US. And if you live long enough, you’re aware of it. We’re an ageist society, and each of us is a product of our society, so we’re not exempt from ageist beliefs.
Lots of people set limitations because of their age. They’re limited by their own beliefs. It’s an important topic whether you’re widowed or not. In this episode, I want to focus on beliefs about age for widowed people.
I’ve read a comment or two that my book was written for younger people. Which is interesting because the entire book focuses on where all of us have complete agency, which is with our thoughts.
Which has nothing to do with age.
Although I do acknowledge that well practiced thoughts are harder to find, that’s true, but they’re not necessarily harder to change.
Too many widowed people decide that at this age, all that’s left is to feel miserable. To wait out the rest of life. And waiting it out is basically the same as opting out of life.
They decide that loving again isn’t possible for someone their age.
That at their age, they’re not attractive enough, thin enough, or interesting enough.
And I’m not saying that finding love again is right for everyone. I don’t think that’s true. But I am suggesting, urging, and maybe shouting from the rooftops, hoping that you won’t decide that it’s too late -too late for anything that you truly want, because of your age.
Those limitations are truly self-imposed. They have nothing to do with age.
You no doubt know people who were “old” even at a young age. And you probably know people who you consider to be young, even at an older age.
Age gets blamed for a lot, and it’s not fair.
The truth is that feeling “old” is really about feeling deconditioned, or maybe dealing with an injury, or adapting to a chronic condition. It’s operating according to societal norms, or one’s own long-standing, unexamined beliefs about aging.
If we blame chronological age, then there’s nothing we can do about anything. We’re forfeiting our own agency.
That’s an option, but why take that option?
My friend Dr. David Gobble often says that we all have exactly 100% of the rest of our lives yet to live.
Why not live your 100% as fully as possible? Whatever that means for you.
Why not ask yourself what it would mean for you to live fully, now, in life after loss. See what’s in your heart of hearts. Allow yourself to dream again, regardless of the year you were born. Regardless of the choices you saw your parents and grandparents make.
Ever since the MacArthur Research on Aging and the resulting book called Successful Aging by Rowe and Kahn, decades of research shows that chronological aging is irrelevant. What matters more are lifestyle choices. And lifestyle choices begin with our own thinking.
I once worked at a retirement community and met some inspirational people. One day as I passed one of the residents, Ben, as he was walking along at his usual fast clip, and I asked how old he was. He told me, “In 18 months, I’ll be 100.”
It was there that I also met my dear friend Erma. When I lost my husband, Erma was 95. She lived in assisted living, and her memory wasn’t what it once was. Nevertheless, she read many books, attended lectures, and stayed engaged in her community. She never gave up on herself.
Erma was twice widowed herself, so I would visit her often and she gave me such good, simple and practical advice. She got me through my first year, unquestionably. She was there for me because she didn’t give up on herself, not because of her age, or any other limitation.
My friend Dr. Roger Landry who wrote the foreword of my book, has his own book called Live Long Die Short. It’s research-based, well-written and full of optimism about chronological age. It’s available as an audiobook and in print, and I highly recommend it. I am going to ask him to join me on this podcast so you can hear his story and what he’s learned since he has dedicated his life to helping people age in a better way.
In the meantime, please take a moment to ask yourself about your beliefs about your age. Finish these 3 sentences:
At my age…..
People my age can’t……
At my age I shouldn’t…..
Just see what comes up for you. Think about the examples that were set for you. The assumptions you’ve made about aging.
In what areas are you opting out of life, because of your age?
And ask yourself what you would think, feel and do if your chronological age was truly irrelevant.
Ask yourself what it means to live your life fully.
That’s my hope for you. That you’ll ask, why not? That you’ll decide that you’re capable of whatever your heart truly desires, and you’ll go after it. Because as you well know, life is precious, and it’s for the living.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And if you’re listening on Spotify or Apple, please rate and review it so other widowed people can find it.
Remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to check out my best-selling book, also titled Life Reconstructed. It has helped many thousands of people and it can help you, too. If you buy it on my website, you’ll also get the accompanying journal, plus a 3-part video series to help you feel better, starting right away. Simply go to https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle to get started today.
