Episode 68: It won’t always hurt like this
7/17/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 68. In this episode, I uncover a sneaky thought that makes grief extra, unnecessarily hard, and offer a simple solution to help.
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A coaching approach to navigating the loss of a spouse has a lot to do with being “on to” your brain. Noticing what the brain is offering you, and deciding, on purpose, whether that thought is true and useful.
It’s about consciously choosing your thoughts, rather than letting default thoughts go unexamined.
It’s important because thoughts create how we feel, and how we feel drives the actions we take or don’t take. For better or worse.
Sometimes we’re acutely aware of our own thoughts. Other times they’re subconscious and hidden from plain sight.
One such thought that’s often hidden and sneaky has to do with permanence.
It sounds something like, “It’s always going to hurt like this.”
For me and for many of my clients, it’s a thought that contaminates everything other thought. The permanence is implied, although we are often not aware of it. It sounds like……
I feel lonely, and it will always feel like this.
I feel lost, and it will always feel like this.
I feel overwhelmed, and it will always feel like this.
It just isn’t true that it will always feel like this.
Even if you’re very new to this journey, I bet you would agree that grief is ever changing. It’s different moment to moment, hour to hour, and day to day.
You might be tempted to think that after you’ve completed your first year, or second, or third, that this is how it will feel from now on. That your thoughts and feelings somehow become fixed, locked in or permanent. You might decide that this is as good as it’s going to get.
That also is absolutely not true.
In episode 43, I talked about how there is no finish line. This life after loss is neither a sprint nor a marathon, and not even an ultramarathon. It’s more akin to hitting the gym regularly, getting a little stronger each time. So that the weight that once felt debilitating is something you can now carry.
Eventually it becomes like a heavy backpack. There are weeks and months that you are hardly aware of it. Other days you know it’s there, but you’re strong enough to carry it.
Not long after the loss of my husband, I was leaving my church and my third grade teacher’s aide, Mrs. Martinez, handed me a folded piece of paper. She had lost her husband years before. She said to me, “I want you to read this. You won’t believe it,” she said. “I didn’t believe it, either. But I think you should read it.”
I took it home and opened it. It was titled, “You will not always hurt like this.” It’s attributed to a person named Sascha Wintersun. I want to read it to you.
It’s okay if you don’t believe it today. It’s also okay if it offers you a ray of hope.
You will not always hurt like this.
These words are true.
If they do not reach your heart today,
Do not reject them.
Keep them in mind.
One morning, not tomorrow perhaps,
But the day after tomorrow,
Or the month after next month….
One morning the dawn will wake you
With the inconceivable surprise:
Your grief will have lost one small
moment of its force.
Be ready for the time when you can feel
for yourself that these words are true:
You will not always hurt like this.
Unquote.
It’s important to point out that sometimes we won’t allow ourselves to feel better. If that seems true for you, episode 12 of this podcast is about guilt and regret, and episode 38 suggests that it’s okay to be okay. I hope you’ll give those a listen.
The closer you can monitor your brain, the fast you’ll notice if it’s applying the “forever” stamp on your current thoughts, feelings or actions. Remember that this is common and normal. And you have the option to edit those sentences in your brain.
Try applying a very short-term time stamp instead. Such as, “Right now, I’m experiencing this” or “Lately, I’ve been feeling that” or “These days, I’ve been thinking this” or “This is the part when….”
Whatever you’re experiencing, it’s just for now. I promise. From my nearly 12-year vantage point, I promise you that it’s just for now.
Remind yourself that grief is always evolving, and you are always learning – yourself and your life now. Grieving is learning.
And no matter what, be kind to yourself. Love is the way forward.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And if you’re listening on Spotify or Apple, would you please rate and review the podcast? This way it can reach more widowed people.
And please remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to check out my best-selling book, also titled Life Reconstructed. It has helped many thousands of people and it can help you, too. If you buy it on my website, you’ll also get the accompanying journal, plus a 3-part video series to help you feel better, starting right away. Simply go to https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/lrbonusbundle to get started today.
