Episode 65: Living, on purpose
6/26/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 65. In this episode, I share a personal story of how I went from merely existing to living again. It all started at the cemetery.
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Not long after the loss of my husband, I was at the cemetery. I brought flowers. And I was angry. I was lamenting that this was our marriage. Me bringing flowers to a cemetery. This was not what I signed up for. This was not the future we had planned.
It was one of those moments that I bet you can relate to. When you feel so cheated.
I specifically remember asking, “Is this all I can do for you now? Bring flowers to a grave?”
I got back into my jeep, slammed the door as hard as I could, and this notion came over me. It was so clear, and a little bit stern. It was, “No, you can live.”
I was so confused by this.
I was far from living. I survived the initial months, and by this point I was existing. Going through the motions of what felt like a surreal, day-to-day existence.
Maybe you can relate.
I didn’t have the slightest idea what it even meant to live. I didn’t know “me” from “we.”
And even if I did know what it meant to really live again, I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it. If I could allow myself to do it. I didn’t save him, after all. How could it be that I could live?
I thought that it could be disrespectful. To him, to our marriage.
It was a foreign concept.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience. When you have a strong notion, that comes through loud and clear, and you know it isn’t your own thought.
I wasn’t capable of having that thought. It was far beyond my understanding at the time.
So, I did what seemed logical. I tried to dismiss the notion.
I tried to forget about it altogether.
It made no sense to me.
But I couldn’t shake it.
I noticed my brain thinking about it, trying to understand it. It seemed like my subconscious brain for the most part, was unwilling to let it go. It was studying this notion from different angles, analyzing it, trying to grasp it.
When I noticed this, I would again attempt to dismiss it. To let it go. But it stuck with me.
This is why I think that what is meant for us will stay with us. In a sea of grief advice, there may be a certain pressure we put on ourselves to remember it all, to try to apply it all. I remember feeling relieved when I came across the suggestion that if something doesn’t serve you, just put it back right where you found it and keep moving along. It’s not one-size-fits-all.
And the opposite is true - what’s meant for us will stick with us. Even when we don’t understand it, when we would rather dismiss it.
I experimented with the thought that if I was meant to save him, I would have saved him. If it was possible to have saved him, I would have done it. The guilt gradually loosened its grip on me.
I decided at some point that maybe I could figure out a way to live again. That although I couldn’t save him, I could, perhaps, live a life that’s big and beautiful enough for the both of us.
Then my brain went to work on that.
I thought about what it would mean to really live. It looks different for everyone, and there’s no one right way. I began to think about what could be my way.
There are plants that keep living, but never bloom. And there are plants that bloom.
I have roses in my yard. I think the most beautiful, abundant blooms are the very first blooms after a long winter. I wondered what it would look like to bloom again after existing in the darkest darkness.
Fast forward to today- I live a full, beautiful and peaceful life. One that I created standing on the foundation of his love. It’s a life I built for him and with him. Because I believe that love lives. I’ve never experienced a single day without his love.
I would have traded places with him in an instant. I would have died for him. And at that cemetery, the opposite notion was presented to me. Would I be willing to live for him?
Maybe that’s a choice you’re facing too.
If the shoe was on the other foot, I would not want him to live out his days in a muted, mundane existence. When he felt ready, I would want him to live well. To love and be loved.
I hope you’ll find your way to truly living again. Because while life can be brutal, it can also be beautiful.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to learn more about how your thoughts can help or hinder your healing. It’s all in my free webinar, The #1 Reason We Stay Stuck and What to do About It. Simply click the link in the show notes. https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/the-#1-reason-webinar
