Episode 64: When you feel so alone
6/19/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 64. In this episode, we acknowledge the void that comes with the loss of a spouse, and examine the thought, “I’m all alone,” how it feels, why it isn’t true, and what to think instead.
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In his novel Dombey and Son, Charles Dickens writes, “And can it be, that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one creature makes a void in any heart so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up.”
I love that line. I’ve read it many times over the years. I think the entire sentence is beautiful, and the word that stands out the most is “void.” I have a Ted-sized void in my life, and you have your person-sized void in yours.
It’s obvious in the day-to-day, and it’s glaring in the milestone moments of life. The silence can be deafening.
The void feels empty and lonely. Lonely not for people in general, but for your person specifically.
The brain literally has to rewire itself to understand the world without your person’s physical presence. It’s baffling to the brain.
As the brain is trying to understand this new, unwanted reality, it will very likely offer you the though, “I’m all alone.”
You are indeed without your person’s physical presence and no doubt feeling that massive void.
But the thought, “I’m all alone,” is not completely true.
My guess is that there are people in your life who care.
There are people who want to help you.
There are perhaps people who have already been helpful.
There are people who struggle to find the “right” words but come up short, because words fail.
There are people who keep you in their prayers.
And there are people who you’ve not yet met who will help you, just as soon as your paths cross.
Notice how you feel when you think, “I’m all alone.” It probably feels scary and terrible. It can lead to panic. And it’s just not true.
So, while your brain may offer you the notion that you’re all alone, you don’t have to believe it. Ask your brain to find all the ways that you’re NOT alone. Make it notice the people around you who care.
The brain will do as you direct it.
Practice the thoughts, “There are people around me who care about me.” “There are people who have helped me.” “There are people who will help me when I need it.” “There are people who I love in my life.”
Those thoughts are true and they feel better. They feel abundant, and they probably bring a sense of peace. Spend time with those thoughts and feel how each one makes you feel.
Because while the loss of your person is incredibly difficult, it doesn’t have to be one ounce harder than it is.
Be “on to” your brain. Eavesdrop on the thoughts it offers you. And notice, as best you can, when it offers you thoughts that make your journey extra hard. Extra painful. Those thoughts, like all thoughts, are optional.
The brain is like a juke box. When left unattended, it plays songs on default. Or, we can tell it what songs to play.
Direct your brain to think true thoughts. Thoughts that bring comfortable feelings even as you live in the void left by your person.
Remind your brain that you’re not alone. You have people who care.
And one of them is me.
Remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to learn more about how your thoughts can help or hinder your healing. It’s all in my free webinar, The #1 Reason We Stay Stuck and What to do About It. Simply click the link in the show notes. https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/the-#1-reason-webinar
