Episode 63: How to tackle the “have to’s”
6/12/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 63. In this episode, I offer practical tips to help you deal with the overwhelming list of “have-to’s” so you can feel better starting right away.
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With the loss of my husband, I found myself alone on 10 acres. The house seemed to have doubled in size and was extraordinarily silent. I had horses, dogs, gophers, sprinklers and weeds. It didn’t take long before the leaves started falling, and things needed pruning.
The changing of the seasons presents new tasks, new challenges and unexpected secondary losses.
I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. I bet you can relate.
I didn’t know how to do everything that needed to be done.
And the chatter inside of my brain was a running list of “have to’s.”
Have to do this.
Have to fix that.
Have to learn this.
Have to winterize that.
I felt like a slave to my list of have-to’s. It felt extra terrible on top of the already terrible feelings of loss.
Have-to’s feel extra heavy, extra burdensome. It feels like being on a fast-moving treadmill that you don’t want to be on.
I was meeting with a coach at the time. She offered me the notion that I didn’t actually have to do any of it.
Which was a notion I rejected immediately. She doesn’t live in the country, I thought. And she’s never been widowed. She doesn’t get it.
But she didn’t back down.
She challenged me to think of my list of have-to’s as “want-to’s” instead.
You don’t actually have to do winter pruning. You don’t have to rake the leaves. Or fix sprinklers. Technically, I could have sold the horses, or even the whole place.
The truth is that I wanted to keep it all. I wanted to live out the plans my husband and I had made. It was meaningful to me, and it was the way I knew how to live.
Whenever my brain offered me a “have to,” I searched for the reason that I actually wanted to. With every single thought, I could find it.
I wanted to have horses.
I wanted to have flowers in the flowerbeds, which meant that I wanted functional sprinklers.
I wanted to have dogs in my life.
It took time for me to learn the seasons – what needed to be done with each season, and how to do it. How to best keep the weeds at bay, and how to deal with the gophers (which by the way, owl boxes are amazing.)
I allowed myself to ask for help where I needed it. I gave myself time to learn, since my brain was foggy and not retaining new information the way it had. I texted pictures and my questions to the people who could help me. “What is this and how do I fix it?” was my standard text message. I searched google and listened to YouTube.
Although my brain suggested that I was all alone in this life, it simply wasn’t true. Yes, my person had passed and that was the most profound loss I’ve ever known. But I was not all alone. My neighbors stepped up, my friends stayed with me, my family showed up, and some random strangers pitched in on occasion, too.
I would come home from work travel and find that the weeds were mysteriously gone. There was firewood stacked in my barn. These were acts of kindness on the part of my neighbors. It was uncomfortable for me to be on the receiving end of help, but I know it felt good to them.
When something so tragic happens, people struggle with words, but many people truly want to help. The best way they know to love on us is to haul weeds away and stack firewood, to explain how much air pressure should go into tires, and respond to my text messages with step by step guidance. Love is a verb.
If you’re in the throws of have-to’s, ask yourself if you really do HAVE to. My coach instructor uses the example of raising kids. You don’t have to raise them, she says, you can put them up for adoption, or leave them at the park. I think she’s kidding, but she’s making a point, which is that for most people, you actually want to raise your kids.
See if you can find the want-to in your task list.
Give yourself the gift of kindness as you learn what needs to be done, and how.
Your brain isn’t as sharp as it was. It’s just temporary. Take pictures, take videos, record voice memos, take notes.
Keep a record of what you’ve done and when. This will help you see your wins, and it will be a record of the seasonal tasks so that next year you’ll feel more ready.
And let people help you. It feels good to them to offer something tangible and helpful. When words fail, let them take action.
When your brain offers that you’re all alone, ask it to find evidence that you’re actually not alone. That there are people who are willing to help.
I used to think that there was something to prove – that I could do it. I could live here. I could figure this out. But in truth, I was just trying to prove it to myself.
It’s a matter of doing your best, getting help when you need it, and steering clear of self-judgement every step of the way.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to learn more about how your thoughts can help or hinder your healing. It’s all in my free webinar, The #1 Reason We Stay Stuck and What to do About It. Simply click the link in the show notes. https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/the-#1-reason-webinar
