Episode 62: Other people’s opinions
6/5/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 62. In this episode, I offer a unique perspective on other people’s opinions and the opportunity they provide to strengthen our own.
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Human brains are hard wired to fit in. Back in the day, being kicked out of the village meant certain death. So, it’s a primal instinct to feel accepted by others.
It makes sense, then, that so many of us spend our entire lives trying to control other people’s opinions about us. It impacts how we dress, how we behave, the choices we make in our life. It has us second guessing and perhaps holding back from making the choices we really want to make, for fear of what people might think.
The loss of a spouse leaves no part of life untouched. There is the obvious loss, and then the secondary losses reveal themselves over time.
One such secondary loss involves the people in your life. Like never before, they won’t understand you.
They’ll try to rush you into what they think should be the next phase of your healing.
In some cases, they’ll judge you. In the worst cases, they will blame you or abandon you.
The people who choose to stay in your life will very likely be waiting around for the former version of you to reemerge. They liked that version of you. They were, in some way, a beneficiary of that version of you.
In life after loss, it’s natural to fear the judgement of other people. We wonder what they’ll think if we join a friend for lunch, or sell the house, or laugh out loud, or take a vacation, or buy a new dress, or go out, or stay home, or gain weight or lose weight.
They’ll think that we must be “over it” already, or that we should be “over it” already, or that we’re otherwise not grieving properly.
We not only fear the judgement of others, we’re also directly receiving it.
Unsolicited.
Which can be incredibly annoying and draining, but there’s something here I don’t want you to miss.
When you fear what other people think, or when they actually tell you what they think, and it stings…… there’s a lesson there. There’s an opportunity to check in with yourself.
To ask yourself if some part of you is in agreement.
Because often what we think that other people are thinking….. is what we’re thinking already.
And when someone says something that stings, or that we ruminate about, chances are that we’re also thinking that about ourselves.
Which is an opportunity to look closely at your own thoughts. There might be a sneaky thought in your brain that says that you’re doing it wrong.
Which is good to know. When we find a thought like that, we can bring it into the light of day. We can examine it objectively. Decide if it’s true, and if it’s serving you. Notice how that thought makes you feel.
We’re all a product of a non-grief-savvy society. Which means that we probably hold onto some myths about grief.
And that’s the blessing in other people’s opinions. It’s a chance to check in with your own thoughts, and clean up any thoughts that aren’t true, that no longer serve you.
And then to think true, useful and kind thoughts, on purpose. And think them often, daily, multiple times a day. Pause and notice how each thought makes you feel.
Other people’s opinions give you a chance to strengthen your own.
Their opinions might differ from yours.
And you’ll have to decide whose opinion matters most in your life.
Sometimes we have to let people be wrong about us.
Because no matter what you say or do, or don’t say or don’t do, someone will think you’re doing it “wrong.”
But when your own opinions are solid, you don’t have to explain yourself.
You don’t have to try to help them understand what they can’t possibly understand.
When you stop trying to please others, you can start truly pleasing yourself. You can live a life that’s authentically you.
The worst-case scenario happened. The second worst-case scenario is not living the full, beautiful, authentic life that’s waiting for you.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to learn more about how your thoughts can help or hinder your healing. It’s all in my free webinar, The #1 Reason We Stay Stuck and What to do About It. Simply click the link in the show notes. https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/the-#1-reason-webinar
