Episode 60: Self-compassion: 4 simple strategies
5/22/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 60. In this episode, I share that while self-compassion doesn’t come naturally, it benefits you and those you love. And I offer 4 simple strategies to practice self-compassion every day.
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I went hiking with my cousin this past weekend. It’s a popular trail, a little over a mile one-way, but it’s about a 1,000-foot climb. It’s where local firefighters train, carrying equipment, tools and water on their backs.
We took lots of breaks and once we made it to nearly the top, there was yet another climb to the peak.
A few people were standing near us, and everyone was catching their breath, hands on hips, staring at that final peak, and no doubt having a conversation with themselves. I know I was.
It could easily have been a moment of self-criticism. It could sound like, “I should be in better shape than this.” “Why didn’t I get more sleep last night?” “I should have been eating healthier.”
And it could just have easily been a moment of self-compassion. “This is a tough climb.” “Of course I’m out of breath.” “I can do this, however slowly.”
I bet you’re a person who has set high standards for yourself. If so, self-compassion might not come naturally.
I speak to many hundreds of widowed people each year. And hardly anyone is good at being kind to themselves. Even as they are living the most devastating time of their life.
We think that self-compassion is letting ourselves off the hook somehow. We think that it might lead to wallowing, or feeling sorry for ourselves. Or it might drop us into a deep pit of despair.
Most people never learned how to be kind with themselves. It’s not in their upbringing. It might be culturally unacceptable. Self-compassion can be confused with selfishness, meaning that if you’re thinking of yourself, you’re not thinking about others. It can also seem self-serving, meaning that if you’re focusing on your own needs, you’re not attentive to the needs of others.
So even after the loss of a spouse, self-compassion doesn’t seem like an option.
I often ask my clients what feelings they’ve experienced recently. Never has anyone said self-compassion. I’m waiting for that day.
Here’s the truth. Self-compassion is an incredibly useful feeling. It benefits you, and the people around you. When you’re kind to yourself, you’re kinder to others. When you care for yourself, you have more capacity to care for others.
Here are 4 ways to practice self-compassion.
1. Notice your own thoughts without judgement. Whenever your brain offers you a critical thought, just notice it, and then choose to think a true thought that is kind and compassionate.
2. Notice how you’re feeling and say, “Right now I feel ____ and that’s okay.” This keeps you more mindful of your emotional state, and removes any self-judgement you might have about your feelings.
3. Recognize that you’re a human who makes mistakes, like all the other humans. We’re a messy lot. We’re not even capable of perfection.
4. Talk to yourself as you would talk to someone you love dearly. What would you say to a dear friend who has similar circumstances to yours? Say those things to yourself.
Thoughts create feelings. There are the habitual thoughts that the brain offers, which lead to the habitual feelings that are so familiar. That all happens unintentionally, on default. That’s natural.
And then there’s the opportunity to think true, useful and kind thoughts, on purpose. The ones that create a feeling of self-compassion. The ones that are filled with love and kindness.
Friends, that’s the way forward through the chaos of loss all the way to the beautiful, full life that’s waiting for you.
All of the people who were standing alongside my cousin and I, staring at the final climb, made it to the top, along with the firefighters and their heavy gear. We all took in the views, which were amazing.
I don’t know who practiced self-criticism and who practiced self-compassion. But I’m certain that self-compassion felt so much better.
Self-compassion is love. And love is always the best option.
Oh and pro tip, if you’re ever surrounded by a bunch of firefighters, just tell them it’s your birthday and you’d love a picture with them. They’ll happily oblige. Happy 30th to the fellow hiker whose name I didn’t get. It was a great picture.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to learn more about how your thoughts can help or hinder your healing. It’s all in my free webinar, The #1 Reason We Stay Stuck and What to do About It. Simply click the link in the show notes. https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/the-#1-reason-webinar
