Episode 58: How to boost your energy part 3
5/8/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 58. This episode is the last of a 3-part series on boosting your energy. In episode 56 I focused on the negative, self-judgmental chatter that happens in your brain, and what to do about it. In episode 57 I offered 4 tips to banish people pleasing so you’ll have more energy for what matters most. And today we’re taking a close look at our natural reaction to difficult feelings, how it’s a massive energy drain, and what to do instead.
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The primitive part of the brain is hardwired to keep us alive, and one way it aims to do that is to avoid pain. Many generations ago, pain likely meant danger, and danger likely meant death. So, to the primitive brain, pain is a problem.
It tries to solve for that problem by prompting us to resist, react, or avoid difficult feelings.
Resisting is to tell ourselves we should feel differently, to push the feelings away. It’s a bit like holding a beach ball under water.
Reacting is to act from an emotion, for example, yelling, slamming doors, or any behavior that’s driven from the emotion.
Attempting to avoid an emotion is to try to numb it in some way. Maybe it’s with overeating, overdrinking, overspending, over-scrolling, binge watching, staying overly busy, or any other behavior that is in excess, and that has its own negative consequence.
Resisting, reacting and avoiding difficult emotions all expend massive amounts of energy. And, when we’re in a state of resisting, reacting or avoiding, we have the original difficult feeling, plus the extra burden of resisting, reacting, or avoiding it. So, the original feeling is compounded. It’s extra heavy. It feels extra difficult.
For example, when we feel anxious, we think we shouldn’t feel anxious, so we end up feeling anxious about feeling anxious. When we feel down, we tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling down, which makes us feel even more down.
And all the while, energy levels are draining by the second.
So while it’s completely natural to resist, react or avoid difficult emotions, there is a better way. Here are three tips to help.
First, tell yourself that it’s okay to feel however you feel. You lost your person, after all. It’s this hard. Don’t mistake this for wallowing or feeling sorry for yourself. It’s simply acknowledging the catastrophe that you’ve endured, and the aftermath that you’re living now. However you feel is perfectly okay.
Second, tell yourself that your feelings come from your thoughts. All feelings come from the thoughts we’re thinking at the time. By reminding yourself of this, you’re telling yourself that you’re not in actual danger, and your nervous system can relax.
Third, narrate your emotional life. It can sound like:
Right now, I feel lonely.
Right now, I ache for him.
Right now, I feel emotionally drained.
Also try the preface, “this is the part when….”
This is the part when I feel anxious.
This is the part when I feel overwhelmed.
Narrating your emotional life will help you get in tune with how you’re feeling and it is a simple strategy to keep you out of resisting, reacting or attempting to avoid the feeling.
To take it a step further, listen to episode 4 of this podcast for a quick and practical way to process a feeling in a matter of minutes.
Understanding how the grieving brain functions differently helps us to understand ourselves better, and helps us to trade the self-criticism for kindness and compassion. That is the way forward.
The best and most efficient way through, is straight through. To feel however you feel. To stay present in the moment. To treat yourself with kindness. It all protects your limited energy.
So that you have the energy for what matters most in your life.
That’s my wish for you.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’re interested in learning more about how your brain is functioning differently now, watch my free webinar called Your Brain on Grief. You’ll know the top 3 changes that happen with grief, and exactly what to do about them. You’ll understand yourself better, and you’ll leave with a simple practice to help you feel better today. The link to watch is in the show notes. https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/your-brain-on-grief
