Episode 57: How to boost your energy part 2
4/24/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 57. In episode 56, I shared how brain chatter can be a massive energy drain, and what to do about it. Today we’re taking a close look at people pleasing – why we do it, the energy costs, and what to do instead.
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If in life after the loss of your spouse, you find yourself putting other’s needs ahead of your own, or saying yes when you’d rather say no, or agreeing with someone when you don’t actually agree, you’re likely doing some people pleasing.
Maybe in life before loss, you were a card-carrying people pleaser, and if so, it’s not surprising that those tendencies continue after loss.
People pleasing often seems like the easier option. People want you to be feeling better, so you just let them think that you are. It’s easier than trying to explain the truth to someone who can’t truly understand.
It’s tempting to say yes to every invitation because you appreciate being included and don’t want to risk not being included in the future. You’re grateful for the invitation so you accept, even when, deep down, you don’t have the energy to go.
The problem is that people pleasing is a massive energy drain. And not only that, but it can also lead to a weakened sense of identity, burnout and extra stress and anxiety. You don’t need those on top of the profoundly difficult feelings that come with loss.
Here are 4 tips to help you banish people pleasing so you can boost your energy levels for what matters most.
Tip # 1 Check and charge your batteries. I like to think of 3 individual battery packs within me that all need charging: mental, physical and spiritual batteries. I wish there were an easy-to-read indicator like there is with a cell phone. In the absence of that, we have to learn to check in with ourselves. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is fully charged, how are your mental batteries? Physical batteries? Spiritual batteries? If any of the three are running low, prioritize the recharging over anything else.
Neglecting self-care is one sign of a people pleaser. The loss of your spouse has a profound impact on you, that unprecedented self-care is absolutely required. The better you’re able to take care of yourself, the better you can support those you love.
Tip #2 My friend and fellow coach Pamela often says, “’No’ is a complete sentence.” No further explanation is needed. But if you’d like to add a few more words, consider these options: “Thanks for including me. I won’t be able to make it, but please invite me again.” Or buy some time by saying, “Thanks for thinking of me. I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.” It may help to block off time on your calendar for regular self-care. Maybe a daily walk, weekly massage, yoga or meditation. And be sure to follow through with whatever self-care you’ve planned. Say no to anything that conflicts with the self-care on your calendar.
Tip #3 Let other people feel however they feel. One sign of people pleasing is feeling overly responsible for other people’s feelings. Even in the midst of your own personal catastrophe, it’s tempting to put others’ feelings above your own. But it’s incredibly draining, and you simply can’t afford to do it. The truth is that we have no direct control over anyone’s feelings. We never have, and we never will.
Tip #4 End the conversation. When you feel trapped in a conversation and feel your energy draining by the second, you can politely end the conversation by saying, “I don’t expect you to understand what this is like for me.” And if necessary, say, “I don’t feel comfortable discussing that.” I wish I had those conversation stoppers on the tip of my tongue in the early years after my loss, especially for the hundreds of times I was asked how he died.
My own personal form of people pleasing before my loss was overcommitting. If there were 3 events happening on the same Saturday, I would find a way to make all 3. I said yes to every invitation and offered a listening ear to anyone who wanted to talk. In doing so, I didn’t prioritize my husband. I thought there would be time. I had no idea that time was so short.
With his sudden passing, I retired as a people pleaser. I politely and gratefully said no. I stopped being available. I stopped worrying about how other people felt, or whether I would disappoint them. I had no capacity for any of it. And now nearly 12 years later, I’ve never looked back.
Banishing people pleasing is, at first, uncomfortable. But putting others above yourself is more uncomfortable, especially as you’re navigating life after the loss of your spouse.
The better option is to let them feel however they feel. Let them misunderstand you if necessary. So that you can devote your limited energy toward taking care of you.
When you’re free of people pleasing, you’re more likely to create your own identity.
You’ll stay true to yourself and your needs.
You’ll discover an authenticity that feels a lot like freedom.
You’ll take bigger strides toward the full, purposeful life that’s waiting for you.
The life you’re meant to experience.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’re interested in learning more about how your brain is functioning differently now, watch my free webinar called Your Brain on Grief. You’ll know the top 3 changes that happen with grief, and exactly what to do about them. You’ll understand yourself better, and you’ll leave with a simple practice to help you feel better today. The link to watch is in the show notes. https://www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com/your-brain-on-grief
