Episode 47: Four steps to create what’s lacking
2/21/24
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 47. In this episode, I acknowledge key secondary losses and offer a simple 4-step process to create for yourself what’s lacking.
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My client Vicky shared this wonderful quote with me by writer and speaker Paula D’Arcy: “Grief is like a searchlight that illuminates the hidden inner things of your life.”
To me, some hidden inner things likely existed before loss: like grief from previous losses, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and maybe shaky social skills.
It’s natural that we outsource certain things to our spouse, and vice versa. In life after loss, the things we outsourced to our spouse that are now glaringly absent and profoundly difficult.
We don’t just lose our person. We lose all that they helped us with. Their thoughts about us. Their belief in us. Their helpful encouragement. Their certainty about our abilities. Their total acceptance of who we are. Their unwavering love.
Only in that massive void do we fully realize all that they gave us. All that we depended on them for. All of the benefits we enjoyed.
This is partly why grief is extraordinarily difficult. These are the secondary losses that we don’t expect. That we don’t see coming. That no one tells us about.
And often these are the things that come into focus after the initial shock wears off.
We can learn to create in-house what we find ourselves lacking, whether that’s a feeling, a belief, or knowledge.
The irony is that the most catastrophic time of life is also the time of significant growth. And its growth we didn’t sign up for, whether that’s fixing the faucet or making important financial decisions or navigating the land mines of the grocery store.
The first step in creating for ourselves what’s lacking might surprise you. It’s to stop judging. Because when we’re judging ourselves, we’re not learning. When we step out of self-judgment, we can get a clear view of our whereabouts. Notice what’s hurting, what’s lacking. Notice areas that we don’t believe in ourselves, what feels uncertain, what feels impossible.
Think about what your person would say to you. You know better than anyone.
Finally, since thoughts create feelings, think true-to-you thoughts that create the feelings you’re lacking. Remember that grieving is learning. You’re not supposed to know how to do this. You’re not supposed to have mastered it already. There isn’t anyone handing out grades which means that you’re not failing. You’re just learning how to navigate this world without their physical presence. Is it easy? No. Can you do it? Yes. I know you can. So, as a reminder:
1. Stop self-judgment
2. Take inventory. Notice what’s hurting, lacking, notice areas in which you don’t believe in yourself, what feels uncertain.
3. What would your person say about these things?
4. Since thoughts create feelings, think true to you thoughts that create the feeling you’re lacking.
Learning to be your own source of certainty, confidence, self-esteem and more is a superpower. You’ll learn that you can create any feeling you need or want to feel, simply by finding the true thought that creates that feeling. You still get to lean on your person and their thoughts about you, and you learn how to create it all for yourself, too.
You’ll silence the inner critic and learn to be kind to yourself instead. Remember, that’s the first step and the one that’s absolutely required in order to learn and grow.
The more you practice this skill, the more you can feel any feeling. The more you can accept yourself right where you are. The more you can see your value, your worth. The more you can love yourself forward.
My recent webinar can help. It’s all about how to love yourself through grief, and you can still watch the replay by signing up using the link in the show notes. It’s free, and it will help you.
Please share this episode with a widowed friend who needs to hear it. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to join Life Reconstructed, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It will help you step forward toward a life you will love again. Simply go to thesuddenwidowcoach.com and click work with me.
