Episode 41: Self-care redefined: 10 tips for widowed people
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You are listening to the Life Reconstructed podcast with me, Teresa Amaral Beshwate, grief expert, best-selling author and widow. I’m so glad you’re here because in this and every episode, I shine a light on the widowed way forward.
Hello and welcome to episode 41. In this episode, I explain why self-care should look different after the loss of a spouse, and I offer 10 practical self-care tips that you can practice today.
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In my life before loss, I thought of self-care as things like lighting a candle, a bubble bath, meditation, yoga, a long walk or hike in the mountains, a weekend get-away, or an afternoon nap. I still think that these are all good things.
But they weren’t much help when the unthinkable happened. The loss of a spouse is seismic. It impacts every single part of life. Few things are the same, including you, and including your needs.
You’ve likely heard the old saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” It’s always been true, but now I suspect that your cup is profoundly empty, like never before.
A significant milestone in this journey is making yourself a priority. Committing to taking care of you. And staying curious as you figure out your needs, now.
Because how you take good care of yourself now will look different.
I’d like to offer you 10 tips for self-care in life after loss:
1. Tip #1: Listen to how you speak to yourself. Become a better eavesdropper on your own self-talk. Write it down so you can see it in black and white. This will help you with the remaining tips.
2. Tip #2: Notice whether you’re kind to yourself. Would you say it to another person? Are you your biggest cheerleader or worst critic? I promise you that being your worst critic has no upside. It will only stall your healing.
3. Tip #3: Don’t believe everything you think. It’s not necessarily true; it’s not always useful.
4. Tip #4: Think true and useful thoughts, on purpose.
5. Tip #5: End the self-judgement. Stop holding yourself to an imaginary timeline. There is no one “right” way to grieve. You’re doing your best in the worst of circumstances.
6. Tip #6: Keep it real. In a non-grief-savvy society, it’s tough to be authentic. You may find it easier, in some ways, to put on a game face and fake it. Have at least one person in your life who knows how you’re really doing. Better yet, start to build new, grief-savvy connections. Look for a Soaring Spirits International Regional Social Group, or check out www.meetup.com for groups in your area that are of interest. Links are in the show notes.
7. Tip #7: Allow the difficult feelings. Attempting to run from them, resisting them or numbing them simply doesn’t work. In fact, it creates a worse version of the feeling. The best way through is straight through. Feel the feelings as they come. Say to yourself, “Right now, I feel sad, and that’s okay. It’s not forever and it’s not harmful.”
8. Tip #8: Allow the comfortable feelings, too. When happiness sneaks into your life, allow for that moment, however brief. When any comfortable feeling hits you, know that it’s okay to feel it fully. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t love your person, or that you’re forgetting him or “letting him go.” It simply means that a glimmer of goodness found its way to you. Allow for that.
9. Tip #9: Know that grieving is learning. Your loss changed you, too. And you’ve never done this before. You’re learning who you are, now, and how to live in this world without your person’s physical presence. It’s a lot for your brain. Be gentle and kind, and remember that you’re learning this new, unwanted reality.
10. Tip #10: Get help. There’s no reason to take a DIY approach to the most catastrophic time in your life. Get expert guidance from someone who knows firsthand the loss of a spouse: whether therapy, books, grief groups or a coach.
That’s how I would define self-care in life after the loss of a spouse. Here’s a recap:
1. Listen to how you speak to yourself.
2. Be kind to yourself.
3. Don’t believe everything you think.
4. Think true and useful thoughts, on purpose.
5. End the self-judgement.
6. Find at least one person you can be real with.
7. Allow the difficult feelings.
8. Allow the comfortable feelings.
9. Know that grieving is learning.
10. Get expert help.
For me, it looks nothing like self-care before loss. After years of coaching and conversations with many hundreds of widowed people, these 10 tips are what I think will help the most. I hope you’re practice them, starting today.
If this episode was helpful, please share it with a widowed friend. And remember that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
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If you’ve found this podcast helpful, I invite you to join Life Reconstructed, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It will help you step forward toward a life you will love again. Simply go to thesuddenwidowcoach.com and click work with me.
