Episode 14 Grief myth: Letting him go
Perhaps you’ve been told by a well-intentioned person that it’s time to “let him go.” As if that is a necessary step in the journey or some unwritten requirement for grieving “correctly.”
Or maybe this is something you tell yourself. That, in order to move forward, you’ve got to leave your spouse in the past.
In my work as a life coach, I’ve had conversations with hundreds of widowed people, and this notion comes up regularly. “It’s time to let him go” is a thought. For many people, it’s a thought that often causes suffering because it makes us feel terrible, guilt-ridden, and just plain sad.
Anytime a thought causes extra suffering, we can examine it closely. Is the thought true? Is it useful? What if the opposite were true?
What if never letting him go is actually the best way forward?
In fact, the soaring spirits resilience center of Shreiner University has found that integration, or the blending of past present and future, is a healthy way forward. In other words, keeping your person close, and bringing them with you into today and into the future you create.
Our brains offer us tens of thousands of thoughts a day. Some are true, and some are not. Some serve us well, while others cause us to suffer. Our job is to observe those thoughts, and edit them when necessary.
Personally, I have never let my late husband go. I have accepted the reality of his passing, and I have done each day since his passing with him and for him (and for me). He is as much a part of me now as he was then. He is as much a part of my days, my thoughts, my struggles, and my wins. I could see no way to deconstruct us, so letting him go never seemed possible. And it is not required.
Even as I have taken significant strides forward, allowed my heart to gain new capacity to love, and committed to creating a future for myself, my late husband has been a part of all of it. Because he is forever a part of me. We are intertwined in an irreversible way.
Every day widowed people bring their late spouse along in a variety of ways – including them and honoring them. My friends Beth and William were recently married. In their vows, they mentioned their continued, forever love for their late spouses. Evidence that there is no end point to integrating your person.
In some cases, it does serve you to let your person go, to draw a clear line between that chapter and this one, and to live your life now exclusively for you. That is also absolutely okay. In today’s episode, the focus is when “letting him go” causes extra suffering. But sometimes it’s complicated, and I see you and honor your journey, too. There is no one right way forward. Your right way is your way, on your terms, on your timeline.
If you’re wanting help to move forward in a way that feels right to you, my coaching program exclusively for widowed people can help. It’s called Life Reconstructed, and you can learn more by going to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com and clicking work with me.
I look forward to meeting you.
In the meantime, know that I believe in you, and I’m here for you. Take care.
