Episode 10 Pain is different than suffering
Intro with music
Hello and welcome to episode 10. In this episode we distinguish between pain and suffering. You’ll understand how to deal with each, which will lighten your load, starting today.
Music
Although the words pain and suffering are often used interchangeably, I’d like to make an important distinction.
Pain is the uncomfortable emotion that comes with being alive. It’s what we experience when we lose our spouse, among other difficult life events. We feel pain when we miss our spouse’s physical presence, and mourn our shared past and the future we had planned.
Suffering, on the other hand, is the uncomfortable emotion that we manufacture in our minds and pile on top of the pain. Suffering is unnecessary and yet it is extremely common.
The pain of loss is the wound. The suffering is the salt in the wound.
Suffering sounds like:
I should have been able to save him.
I should have made him go to the doctor.
I should have been a better spouse.
I should have known she needed help.
I should have apologized to her.
I should have spent more time with him.
Every feeling we humans experience comes from our thoughts. Any time you feel an uncomfortable emotion, notice what thoughts you are currently thinking. Write the thoughts down and ask yourself two simple and powerful questions: “Is this true?” and “Is this useful?”
It is shocking how often our brains offer us thoughts that are neither true nor useful. Even if a thought is true, if it isn’t useful, then it isn’t serving you.
This is important because thoughts are powerful. They create feelings, and feelings prompt the actions that create our results. So, our thoughts ultimately create results, for better or worse. Thoughts have that much power.
The two questions “Is this thought true?” and “Is this thought useful?” will help you distinguish between pain and suffering. If you answer no to either of those questions, the thought you are thinking is very likely creating suffering.
Now let’s take a closer look at pain: thoughts that produce pain that comes with the loss of a spouse are actually useful thoughts. They create what is sometimes called “clean pain.” Processing pain, as we learned in episode 4, is the most efficient way through. For example, thoughts like “I miss his hugs,” and “I miss us,” will likely create feelings of sadness. This is an emotion that we can be present with in order to process it.
Alternatively, thoughts like, “I should be further along by now,” “I should have been able to save him,” and “I’m not grieving correctly,” as well as other forms of self-judgment all create suffering.
These thoughts are often not true (they’re not provable in a court of law) AND they’re also not useful. They create feelings that keep us stuck, spinning in the darkness, looping in suffering.
Every human’s superpower is the ability to choose thoughts. Thoughts are 100% optional. If your thoughts are not both true and useful, ask yourself, “What else might be true?” It is entirely possible to direct your brain to select thoughts that ultimately create the results we seek.
Challenging default thoughts, and then Choosing thoughts intentionally is how we deal with suffering.
The distinction between pain and suffering is an important waypoint in navigating life after loss. Are you feeling the pain of loss that comes with the territory? Yes, no doubt you are. Of course you are.
Is your brain manufacturing suffering that makes your journey even more difficult? That’s what I hope you discover today.
So remember…..
• Pain that comes with great loss is pain that we need to process.
• Suffering comes from untrue/unhelpful thoughts that our brains offer us.
• We can learn to become fierce editors of those thoughts—deleting them and choosing other thoughts that are 100% true and useful.
When you’re no longer bogged down with suffering, you have much more time, energy and ability to face your grief head on and take more efficient strides toward the future you want for yourself. That’s my hope for you.
There is much more to come, right here in this podcast, so be sure to hit Subscribe so you don’t miss an episode. In the meantime, know that I believe in you and I’m here for you. Take care.
