Episode 2: the “right” way to grieve
Hello, and welcome to episode 2: the #1 “right” way to grieve. In this episode, I share that the #1 right way to grieve is your way, on your terms and on your timeline.
If you’ve picked up any grief books, no doubt in chapter 1 you read about the stages of grief.
I don’t know about you, but nothing made me angrier than reading about the stages of grief.
Partly because the stages of grief were never meant for those of us left behind (they were written for the dying).
And the idea that there is a linear path forward, categorized by stages, just seemed so unrealistic to me.
The hot mess of grief many people experience can never be organized neatly into stages. But if every book you read mentions the stages of grief, it’s easy to think you’re doing grief wrong.
Add to that, many books I read were written by people who had not experienced such a life-shattering loss firsthand. The words felt sterile and empty, and not relevant to me.
In addition to unhelpful grief books, you have no doubt received an onslaught of well-intended and yet unhelpful comments like, “Time will heal,” “You’re young; you’ll find someone else,” and “You just need to accept this.”
Later, in year two when the going gets (differently) tough, we hear, “You need to get over this,” and “You really need to move on.”
Existing in a non-grief-savvy society can easily make you feel that you’re doing it all wrong.
And deep down, you’re probably in agreement.
Perhaps your own internal thoughts sound like: Shouldn’t I be further along? What could I have done differently? I don’t know how to do this. I’m right back at square one. She was widowed when I was, and she’s already dating. I’m definitely doing this wrong.
From my perspective today, I would like to offer my take on the right way to grieve, and it is pretty simple: The right way to grieve is your way. On your timeline. No matter what anyone else says. The right way forward is the one that feels right to you.
There are about 350 million widowed people in the world which means there are approximately 350 million right ways to grieve. The people who have opinions about how you should be grieving are very likely not among the 350 million.
But what if you’re not sure whether your way is truly right for you?
You’re more likely to find your own right way to grieve if you can recognize and release the guilt or regret you carry. Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know, for not doing what you didn’t know to do. Notice how often your thoughts include the word should. My guess is that if you’re living with self-judgment, guilt, and lots of “shoulding,” you’re probably still searching for your right way.
You’re more likely to find your own right way to grieve if you are ready to respond to those well-intended friends and family. One option is, “I appreciate your thoughts, but I am doing this my way.” Or, “I don’t expect you to understand what this is like for me.” Because ending a conversation is sometimes the most loving thing we can do.
You’re more likely to find your own right way to grieve if you don’t judge yourself. Eavesdrop on your internal dialogue and notice if it’s kind and gentle or harsh and judgmental. Grief is the clumsy-one-step forward, two-steps-back shuffle of life after loss. The backward steps don’t mean that you’re doing it wrong.
Every day is different, and sometimes every minute is different. Some moments bring the most intense pain ever, and others offer happiness, even joy. If you’re constantly on the wild roller- coaster ride of grief, it doesn’t mean that you’re doing it wrong.
It’s okay if you can’t remember simple things, or if, 3 years later, you still expect him to walk through the door. These are not signs that you’re doing it wrong.
If you ugly cry in the hardware store and laugh out loud at a funny memory while at the cemetery, you’re not doing it wrong.
If someone catches your eye or you have feelings for another person, especially if it is “way too soon” by societal standards, you’re not doing it wrong.
If you can think of grieving as learning, you are finding your right way.
If you are finding your way forward in a way that feels right for you, however slowly, then you’re doing it right. If every day you just do your best, however imperfect, you’re doing it right.
If you can think of yourself as someone who is committed to finding your right way, on your terms and on your timeline, you’re already doing it right.
If you’re committed to finding your right way to grieve the loss of your spouse, this podcast is for you. I hope it will be your beacon of light and traveling companion as you find your way forward. Please subscribe now, because there’s much more to come. In the meantime, know that I believe in you and I’m here for you. Take care.
