Why You Don’t Have to “Let Him Go”

Perhaps you’ve been told by a well-intentioned person that it’s time to “let him go.” As if that is a necessary step in the journey, or some unwritten requirement for grieving “correctly.”

Or maybe this is something you tell yourself. That in order to move forward, you’ve got to leave him in the past.

In my conversations with hundreds of widowed people, this notion comes up regularly. “It’s time to let him go,” is a thought. For many people, it’s a thought that causes suffering. It makes us feel terrible, guilt-ridden, and just plain sad.

Anytime a thought causes extra suffering, we can examine it in greater detail. Is it true? Is it useful? What if the opposite were true?

Thoughts are always 100% optional. Our brains offer us tens of thousands of thoughts a day. Some are true, some are not. Some serve us well, while others cause us to suffer. Our job is to become fierce editors of our thoughts: keeping the ones that are true and useful, and upgrading the rest.

I would offer that “letting him go,” is a thought with a lot of potential to cause unnecessary hurt.

Personally, I have never let my late husband go. I have accepted the reality of his passing and I have done each day since his passing with him and for him (and for me). He is as much a part of me now as he was then. He is as much a part of my days, my thoughts, my struggles and my wins. I could see no way to deconstruct us, so letting him go never seemed possible.

Even as I have taken significant strides forward, allowed my heart to gain new capacity to love, and committed to creating a future with a new love, my late husband has been a part of all of it. Because he is forever a part of me.

If you are struggling to find forward without leaving him in the past, my six-month private coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides toward a life you love, simply apply here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.