What's your why?

Most people know that life isn’t a bowl of cherries - that there will be ups and downs. That for every positive emotion, there are negative ones. That for every rainstorm there is a rainbow.

What many of us didn’t expect was the torrential downpour that divided our lives into two parts: before and after.

In the initial days and weeks of soul shattering grief, it’s easy to question whether we can go on, and even if we could, do we want to?

In the weeks after my husband’s sudden passing, I could observe my body shutting down. I couldn’t eat or sleep, I couldn’t seem to get enough air in my lungs, and it felt like I had to will my heart to beat.

I believe that the very first step is to find a way to endure. To fight the shutting down. To find a reason to keep going through the unprecedented darkness.

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist, and Holocaust survivor famously wrote, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how.’”

I knew I had to find my why.

As I searched, I was reminded of my husband’s funeral. While there is much I don’t remember, the look on my mother-in-law’s face was imprinted on my memory. While this beautiful, stoic 87-year old woman had endured her share of trials, I simply could not imagine the horror of attending her son’s funeral.

From that image in my mind, I found my why. I couldn’t do that to my parents. Unlike my husband, I had a choice and I chose to fight. To dig my heels in and fight the shutting down that was happening in my body. To put one foot in front of the other. To face the darkness and keep going until I found the light.

Our ‘why’ must be ever so compelling. When the dark days get darker, the compelling ‘why’ is our secret weapon.

When our primitive brain says, “this is too hard, I can’t take the pain,” our higher brain responds with our compelling why. It nudges us forward, no matter what.

Why are you still here, living in the aftermath of devastating loss? If you’re not sure, ask your brain to take some guesses. Come up with at least 10 reasons why you are still here. (In the spirit of being efficient, your brain won’t want to do this work, but that’s okay, just be the boss of your brain.) Now we’re not chiseling this list in stone. We are simply opening our minds, becoming someone who is exploring possibilities. There is no right or wrong answer. Try each on for size and decide which of your ‘why’s’ feels the most compelling. Keep adding to your list over time. You’ll be surprised what you come up with once you put your brain on the job.

When you feel that you’re drowning in your life after loss, your compelling ‘why’ becomes your life vest.

Viktor Frankl also wrote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

When life knocks you down and you feel incredibly weak, reach for your why time and again. Keep going, keep going, and then keep going.

Your why will light your path.

Your why will reveal your way.

Teresa Amaral Beshwate, MPH, The Sudden Widow Coach, helps widows who have experienced the sudden loss of their spouse or significant other learn to live and love their life again. Her coaching program is exclusively for widowed people and offers the perfect mix of private and group coaching along with the most life changing tools for the uniquely challenging widowed journey.