What Purple Hair Can Teach Us About Grief

Imagine that I said to you, “I hate your purple hair. It looks terrible on you.” Assuming that your hair is any color except purple, you might wonder about my eyesight but aside from that, you wouldn’t give the comment a second thought. It would roll right off your back. You wouldn’t ruminate about it, or question whether I was right, or second guess your actual hair color.  

On the other hand, if your hair color was purple, you might feel offended.

As people living in life-after-loss, we often live in fear of being judged by others.

What will people say if I go out to dinner so soon?

I don’t want others to see me laughing….they will think that I’m “over it” already.

What will they think of me if I go out on a date?

How will my kids react if I introduce them to him?

We also feel the sting of being judged by others.

You’re not dealing with this properly.

Aren’t you over it by now?

You’ve got to let him go.

It’s time to move on.

Why are you dating so soon?

You shouldn’t be making such big decisions already.

We fear being judged and we feel hurt when we are judged only when we are in agreement; only when deep down, we are already judging ourselves.

We talk to friends about it and they commiserate with us, telling us how rude and insensitive the comment was, but that doesn’t solve the hurt, because the hurt is deeper. The problem isn’t what another person said (or what they might say). The problem is what we already are thinking about ourselves.

The length of my misery is an indicator of the depth of my love for him.

If I laugh out loud, it would be disrespectful to him.

If I join a dating site, it would be dishonoring our marriage and negating our love.

Being afraid of being judged or feeling the sting of judgement presents an opportunity for us to examine our own thoughts; to consider that deep down, we might be in agreement. And then to remember that all thoughts are 100% optional. Thoughts that cause extra suffering do not serve us. Let’s face it, the pain of our loss is plenty. The last thing we need is added suffering.

Examine your thoughts. Are they both true and useful? (Hint: if they make you feel horrible, they’re very likely not useful.) If they are not both true and useful, it’s time to choose other thoughts, on purpose, that are 100% true for you.

If your thoughts have you spinning in confusion, guilt or overwhelm, my six-month private coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides toward a life you love, simply apply here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.