The Best Kept Secret to Achieving What You Want

In a recent blog, I explained why the primitive part of our brains naturally urge us to  numb the pain of loss. Luckily, other parts of our brains have different agendas. The prefrontal cortex, sometimes called the “higher brain,” houses impulse control, judgement and decision making.

Often the primitive brain’s urges fly in the face of the agenda of the prefrontal cortex. So if you’ve ever overheard conflicting thoughts happening in your mind, you’ve probably witnessed your primitive brain having a disagreement with your prefrontal cortex. They tend to not get along. Ever.

It might go something like this:

Just eat the cake. It’s been a rough day, in fact, a horrible week. Cake will help. Lots of cake.

Really, you decided you needed to lose some weight. Nothing fits. You’re uncomfortable in your own body. Cake is the last thing you need.

If the primitive brain is like a child, demanding cake immediately, then the prefrontal cortex is the adult in the room, knowing what’s best and making that happen.

How do we deal with an unruly, demanding child? We let her have her say: cry, scream and throw herself on the floor. We don’t react to her demands.

Which is similar to how we can deal with a primitive brain with its urgent demands. We simply let that urge be there. This is called allowing an urge. We are willing to feel the discomfort in that moment, and we don’t react. We don’t reach for the cake/alcohol/social media/TV show, etc.

Set a timer for 2 or 5 or 10 minutes and just be willing to feel the discomfort during that time. Chances are that the urge will lessen or even go away completely. After not getting her way, the child picks herself up off the floor and moves on.

A visual cue can be very helpful. Grab a vase and some pebbles, marbles or small rocks. Every time you have an urge and you simply allow it to be there without reaching for the numbing agent, add a pebble to your vase. In doing so, you are flexing your I-can-feel-this-and-not-respond-to-it muscle.

A wonderful goal is to allow 100 urges. If you give in from time to time, no worries, just pick up where you left off. By the time you allow 100 urges, you will: 1) have fewer urges; and 2) be completely willing and able to allow them when they do come.

You have felt the intense pain of losing your spouse, and you have survived. The discomfort you will feel when allowing an urge pales in comparison. Allowing urges takes practice. Let it be an imperfect practice, and you will make your way there, one pebble at a time.  

If your primitive brain has gotten its way for decades and you can’t ever seem to get a grip, I have the best tools to help. My private coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help you activate your higher brain and find your way forward, on your terms. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides toward a life you love, simply apply here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.