Rush to judgement

As a widowed person living in a non-grief-savvy society, you no doubt face plenty of judgement. You’re moving too fast or grieving too slow, spending too much money or living too frugally, or otherwise doing it “wrong.”

It’s no easy task navigating life after loss, much less doing so in a quick-to-judge world that doesn’t understand profound grief.

There is also judgement coming from a different place – your own thoughts. It often sounds like:

If I’m happy again, that will mean I didn’t love him enough.

It’s been two years and I should be further along by now.

My brain shouldn’t still be foggy.

I’m my own worst enemy.

Human brains are hardwired to judge. In fact, it’s the brain’s most primitive hardwiring. Making a quick judgement can mean the difference between safety and danger.  

As a person who has lost a spouse, your brain is constantly judging your journey, often concluding that you 1) did it wrong and 2) are currently doing it wrong.

Human brains rush to judgement. It’s normal. But that doesn’t make it true or useful.

Notice the thoughts your brain is offering you about your loss, past and present. Write it all down without judging any of it.

Then examine each thought and ask yourself if it is true and useful. If the thought is not both true and useful, you get to direct your brain to delete it, because thoughts are always 100% optional.

You get to find true thoughts that serve you and think them on purpose.

Yes, you’ll still overhear the judgmental thoughts your brain wants to offer you. You can overhear them without believing them. And then you can think other true thoughts on purpose.

There will always be brain chatter, and much of it will be negative and judgmental. It’s not a problem, though, because you’re in charge of your brain. You can always change the channel.

If it feels impossible to get out from under a heap of self-judgement, I see you. Sometimes we need help to deconstruct the habits keeping us stuck. Sometimes we need someone to remind us that when we’re judging, we’re not learning.

I hope you'll remember that today.

And if you need more help, that's exactly why I created Life Reconstructed, a coaching program exclusively for widowed people. It’s an investment in you, and the dividends are life-long. Simply click here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.