Is Familiar Discomfort Holding You Back?

Human brains are hard-wired in primitive ways, with the main objective of survival: preventing the possible tiger attack, eating in abundance because food might later be scarce, and never burning more calories than absolutely necessary.

Primitive brains achieve the main goal of keeping us alive in just 3 ways: by prompting us to 1) stay safe; 2) seek pleasure; and 3) be efficient.

The humans whose brains did these tasks well survived and reproduced, and those of us living today are the recipients of primitive brains that are highly skilled at these 3 tasks.

When our brain is chattering away the familiar messages of fear and scarcity, or prompting us to overeat, we can recognize that this is our primitive brain attempting to accomplish its main goal of keeping us alive.

If we were still living in a version 1.0 world with roaming tigers and scarce food sources, we could better appreciate our primitive brains. However, this is at least a version 3.0 world, and for us, it’s a world that has been shattered.

In life after profound loss, our primitive brains are on high alert, functioning in protect-at-all-cost mode. Fear and scarcity are the main messages.

Don’t leave the house.

Never go to unfamiliar places.

That person is trying to help me, but what are his motivations?

Is it really safe to stay here?

There won’t be enough money.

Can I do this life without him?

The brain prompts us to stay inside our bubble of familiarity. Is life easy inside that bubble? Of course not. But the brain craves familiar, because it equates familiarity to safety.

So, although life after loss is extremely uncomfortable, the brain prefers the familiar discomfort over unfamiliar discomfort.

It’s pretty terrible inside the bubble, sure, but outside the bubble is probably dangerous.  

Luckily, other parts of the brain have different functions. The prefrontal cortex, unique to humans, is the part of the brain that can consider what’s best in the long run, set goals and help us achieve them. If the primitive brain is a toddler running around with a steak knife, then the prefrontal cortex is the adult in the room. When we learn to activate it, it will counter the incessant, fearful chatter of the primitive brain.

We can think of the prefrontal cortex as our “higher brain.” Using that part of the brain allows us to:

• Monitor our own thoughts & recognize that primitive brain chatter is an attempt to keep us alive.

• Notice that not all thoughts are true.

• Observe that not all thoughts are useful.

• Select other thoughts that are true and do serve us.

• Think thoughts on purpose.

When our world crumbles, the primitive brain takes the wheel. Yet it is never too late to activate the higher brain, the adult in the room. Ask yourself whether there is truth to what the primitive brain is suggesting.

Your first lunch with a friend won’t actually be harmful.

Going to that new hardware store is not actually dangerous.

You can do this.

Do the math, then decide if you have enough money.

An important waypoint in life after loss is to stop reacting to the constant chatter of the primitive brain and instead, activate the higher brain’s ability to think thoughts on purpose. That one step is critical to finding forward.

If your brain has you firmly planted in familiar discomfort and you don’t see a way out, I’ve curated the best tools to help. My private coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help you find your way, on your terms. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides toward a life you love, simply apply here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.