I'm Not Qualified to Widow

There is no training to live this life after loss. There is no rule book, no orientation class, no onboarding process to help us adjust to this surreal and life changing situation. Dealing with other losses was certainly painful, but we had our person’s arms around us. At least we had each other to lean on.

The cruel irony is that now, just when we need him the most, he’s not physically here. We are left with twice the tasks, all the decisions, sometimes half the income and a massive learning curve at precisely the time that our brains can’t learn a thing.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to tell us that we’re doing it “right,” that we’ve got what it takes?

James Clear is an author who focuses on business and productivity. He writes, “"Don’t feel qualified? Nobody does. You can only be qualified to do that which you have already accomplished or trained for. Anything new is accomplished by unqualified people."

So here we are, a bunch of people navigating life after profound loss, with no actual “qualifications,” trying to learn to live with what seems to be insurmountable.

Here is the good news. There is no rule book, orientation class or onboarding process because there is no one right way to grieve.  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The right way is your way, on your terms and on your timeline.

Is it messy? Definitely. Is it linear? Not at all. Is it sometimes an unsteady one-step-forward-two-steps-back shuffle? Absolutely.

Do you have what it takes?

You get to decide the answer to that. But just answer it for today, for this hour and this minute. Can you do today? I bet you can. Then you just do a bunch of “todays,” one by one.

As you do those “todays,” write down anything that feels like the smallest win. Notice your thoughts and don’t believe everything you think. Ask your brain to explore what else might be true. Choose your thoughts with intention and think them regularly – on purpose.

No matter how long ago your person passed, my guess is that this is new for you. You’ve likely never been widowed before. It’s one massive learning curve which can only be mastered little by little, day by day, and sometimes breath by breath.

If you feel utterly unqualified and in need of a guide for your journey, I get it. My six-month coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides toward a life you love, simply apply here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.