Healing Your Pain: 3 Things You’ll Stop Doing & 3 Things You’ll Start Doing

I spent the first five years after the loss of my husband attempting to outrun the horrific pain. My work at the time required significant travel, and I would come home to 10 acres worth of things to do, and then board the next outbound plane.

I didn’t think that time would heal, but I suspected that maybe I could stay a few steps ahead of the pain.

It took five years to realize that I was wrong.

In fact, when we try to outrun the pain, we only experience a worse version of it.

As we run, it grows. It gives chase. Although we grow tired, it is relentless. The minute we let our guard down, it attacks.

Facing the pain is to gain mastery over it. It means that you’ll stop doing 3 things:

1. You will stop attempting to outrun it with busyness.
2. You will stop trying to numb it with your numbing agent of choice (Netflix, social media, food, alcohol, etc.).
3. You will stop living in fear of the pain.

When you’re ready to face the pain, you will start doing 3 important things:

1. You will process difficult feelings. For just 90 seconds, you will invite it to be with you, notice where in your body you feel it, describe it fully (if it were a color, what color would it be? Is it hard or soft? Fast or slow?), and breathe it in. Notice how it changes over those 90 seconds.
2. You will believe that feelings are neither forever nor fatal. They are simply temporary sensations in your body that will not hurt you.
3. You will increase your capacity to feel any feeling.

To your primitive brain, pain equals potential danger, so it will urge you to avoid pain at all costs. So, to process pain is counterintuitive. It requires overriding your brain’s most primitive hardwiring. To your primitive brain, it sounds like a terrible idea, but in fact, it is the path to healing.

If you’re ready to approach your loss with intentionality, I’m here for you. This is what we do inside of Life Reconstructed, my coaching program designed exclusively for the widowed experience. Simply click here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.