Going From We to Me

One of the more difficult elements of life after loss is the transition from being a part of a couple to being solo. It’s collateral damage that many of us simply didn’t see coming.

It can leave us feeling uncertain, out of place and questioning our identity.

And given that we live in a world that lacks grief savvy, we can end up feeling extra lonely.

We find ourselves faced with decisions:

• Do I continue to socialize with our couple friends and risk being seen as a charity case?
• Or worse, what if I’m not included at all?
• How do I even step through this life without their physical presence by my side?
• How do I find “me” separate from “us?”

These questions get to the heart of who we are, now, after profound loss.

It can help to make a list of what you do know about yourself. Think about your relationships (parent, friend, wife, etc.), professional identity, spiritual identity, financial identity and physical identity (how you see your physical self and your physical abilities). Who were you before? Who are you still, now? And if you’re up for it, give some thought to who you will become in the future. Notice what has not changed.

For example, I am and will always be my late husband’s wife. I’m still a stepmom, friend, daughter, sister, and now I’m a coach. My spiritual beliefs are consistent yet deeper now. Financially, I was initially uncertain but now I support myself. Physically, at first, I was weak and frail and now I’m stronger and more capable than before.

As you think about your future identity, consider who you want to be (not so much what you want to do).

• What matters to you?
• How do you want to feel?
• What do you want for yourself?

In some areas of identity, you’ve no doubt endured losses. It’s okay to acknowledge and grieve those losses. But don’t let your brain trick you into thinking that you’ve lost everything. Most likely, you have not.

You’re still here, with a pulse. Your identity is not fixed. It is within your control. You get to decide what’s next. You have very likely already felt the worst feelings that life has to offer, and if that’s true, what do you have to fear? When you’re ready, you can create the next version of you.

If it feels impossible to transition from “we” to “me,” it’s okay. It did for me, too. It took me years to figure it out but it doesn’t have to be so slow. I created the coaching program I needed most. It’s called Life Reconstructed creating identity is a big component. If you’re ready to take a different approach, simply apply here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.