Do you think that you’re “feeling sorry for yourself?”

I speak with hundreds of widowed people each year, and at least once or twice a week I hear, “I’ve got to stop feeling sorry for myself.”

To which I always respond, “How, exactly, do you define ‘feeling sorry for yourself?’”

Sometimes there is no definition at all, and other times what counts as “feeling sorry for myself” to me sounds a lot like, well, grief.

It is in those moments when the reality hits- he really isn’t coming home.

It’s when the friendships fade because old friends don’t recognize this version of you.

It’s when you can no longer recognize yourself because everything that formerly defined you is gone.

Yes, he passed, and then the collateral damage keeps coming, even years later.

In those moments when the new reality feels insurmountable and there is nothing to do but feel it all…..this is when so many people decide that they’re doing it “wrong.” This is when so many people declare that they’re “feeling sorry for themselves.”

There is no upside, though, to deciding that you’re doing it wrong. It isn’t possible to kick yourself to a better place. Here is proof: have you ever tried to lose weight from a place of feeling disgusted with yourself? It simply doesn’t work long term.

Grief is a learning process. Grieving is in fact equivalent to learning: learning how to navigate a new and foreign world in which your person is not physically present.

You certainly have the option of deciding that you’re doing it wrong or that you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Or you can choose to love yourself every step of the way.

Find a picture of yourself as a child and keep it in your daily view. Ask yourself how you would speak to her in her darkest hour. Would you tell her to stop wallowing? To stop feeling sorry for herself? Or would you show her kindness and compassion?

Grief is hard. Grieving while in self-judgement is harder. Loving yourself through grief is an option. In those moments when you’re tempted to judge, ask yourself instead, “what would love say?”

Inside of Life Reconstructed, we peel back the layers of self-judgement so we can deal with the grief itself. It’s effective, efficient and the results are profound. If you’re ready to try a different approach to grief, simply click here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.