Cheating on Your Late Husband

I often hear the question, “Is it normal for me to feel like I’m cheating on him?”

Thinking that we are cheating on our late husbands is indeed a common thought, which often prompts feelings of guilt and shame.

Just the thought of possibly, someday wanting to find companionship is enough to send us into a guilt-ridden downward spiral. For some, the notion of cheating comes with the creation of an online dating profile. For others it’s the first time that someone expresses interest, or when well-intending friends offer to play Cupid.     

For me there was a mountain of confusion with my husband’s sudden passing, then more confusion trying to figure out how to live my life again, and later when someone caught my eye, another heap of confusion. How could this possibly be happening when I signed up for life? When I had a beautiful, peaceful, loving marriage that was an example to others of what is possible? I was baffled.

My heart was dragging me forward, but my mind had a long way to go to catch up.

Finding companionship or a new relationship is a matter of choice. It isn’t for everyone. If you feel that it is not for you, I encourage you to make an honest list of all your reasons. Then be sure that you like your reasons. (“No one would want me at this age/weight/etc.” is not a good reason.)

If you decide to be open to companionship in the future, take inventory of your thoughts. “I would be cheating on him,” is a thought that will keep you from loving and be loved in this life after loss.

It sounds counterintuitive, but you can move forward in a way that honors your spouse, even as you date and perhaps someday marry. Every step of the way, you will need to find the thoughts that feel true to you that will allow it to happen.

My own thought is this: He loves me so much that he wants me to live this life I’ve been given, and live it fully, and love and be loved.

Our late husbands have our whole hearts. But when we find love again, our hearts gain new capacity to love, and our new person gets all of the new capacity. It’s a bit like having a second child – the love for the first is not diminished in any way. Or like lighting a second candle – the flame on the first is not dimmed.

These are my beliefs. They feel true to me, and they make me feel encouraged and confident, grateful for what was and courageous in creating what is to come.

If adding even more love to your life is what feels right to you, search your current beliefs to see what’s holding you back. Ask yourself, “what if the opposite is true?” Challenge your beliefs by trying out new thinking and see how each thought makes you feel. Authentic new thoughts will create feelings that will inspire action, on this and any topic.

If you can’t get past your current beliefs that have you feeling like a cheater, consider applying for my six-month private coaching offering called Life Reconstructed. Simply click here and we’ll see if it’s a fit. If not, I’ll share other supportive resources.