Why You Can't Stop Hitting the 'Escape Button'

I’ve spoken to hundreds of widowed people, and every one of us has an “escape button” that is our go-to method for attempting to numb the pain. Which makes perfect sense given, well, biology.

Our primitive brain’s main goal is to keep us alive. It does this in just 3 ways: by prompting us to 1) stay safe; 2) seek pleasure; and 3) be efficient.

So given those 3 main tasks, is it any wonder that our brains can so easily convince us to stay home (safety) and eat cake (pleasure) on the regular (efficiency)?

The primitive part of our brain is still version 1.0. Yet we live in at least a version 3.0 world, and we’re not yet even talking about grief.

In our version 3.0 world, life is a 50/50 mix of positive and negative emotions. Negative emotions come with the territory of being alive (and needless to say, life-after-loss presents a whole new level of negative emotions). It’s perfectly normal to have a wide range of negative emotions, from boredom to bummed out, from disappointed to distressed.

Yet our primitive brains equate negative, difficult or uncomfortable emotions with potential danger. Seeking pleasure, after all, is one of the 3 ways that our brains attempt to keep us alive.

So rather than experience a negative emotion, primitive brains naturally urge us to find an escape button, whether by resisting it, reacting to it, or avoiding it.

Resisting emotions is to push them away, sweep them under the rug, or try to will ourselves to feel differently. We attempt to fake it until we make it.

Reacting to emotions is to snap, fly off the handle, or stay in bed all day because we think that the emotions are too tough to bear.

Avoiding an emotion is to attempt to buffer it with some sort of numbing agent. Rather than feel the pain, the brain suggests rather convincingly that we should seek pleasure instead. “Escapes” can include excessive social media, binging your favorite show, overeating, over-drinking, over-spending and pornography. Yet these are actually false pleasures, because each has their own negative consequence.

The other problem with buffering is that negative feelings wait patiently. It simply isn’t possible to successfully resist, react or avoid such that our feelings go away permanently. So now we have the negative consequence of the false pleasure AND the difficult emotion is still waiting for  - and demanding - our attention.

Now add grief to the mix – an unprecedented level of difficult emotions. Soul shattering. Unthinkable. Horrific. And our primitive brains would have us think- unbearable.

So our primitive brains shift into overdrive, demanding that we hit the escape-button-of-choice like never before. We go on the run. We avoid. We react. We resist. We hold onto hope that, if we can stay on the run long enough, time will heal and we wonder exactly how much time it will take.

My escape-button-of-choice was busy. I had a career that required significant travel. I came home to 10 acres that needed my attention and then I caught the next outbound plane. I was on the run for years, filled with fear that the emotions would overtake me.

I recently spoke to a wonderful person who was quite new to her grief. After her husband passed, she stayed busy with work. Later she retired and was busy with volunteer work and activities she enjoyed. It wasn’t until the pandemic removed her escape button that her feelings caught up with her. Her husband had passed nearly 30 years ago. She ran in fear for 30 years, and yet those feelings were all waiting for her, demanding her attention.

Time does not heal.

There is no true escape from the difficult feelings that profound loss dumps on our lives.

There is no such thing as speed-grieving, but there is a more efficient way, which is to process difficult emotions. Because reaching for an external solution to an internal problem simply does not work.

So, if you’ve felt like a failure with every pound gained, dollar spent, and episode binged, please recognize that you are actually not failing. In reality, your primitive brain is in overdrive, doing its job, keeping you seeking pleasure.

Next week, I will share more about using the prefrontal cortex to override the primitive brain and allow urges. In the meantime, know that you’re not failing, and know that I’m here for you.

If you are ready to stop hitting the escape button, and immediately start on a path toward healing instead of numbing, I’ve curated the best tools to help. My private coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help you find your way, on your terms. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides toward a life you love, simply apply here and we’ll see if it’s a fit.