Boundaries: what they really are and how to set them

Each of us humans have a rule book for every person in our life. It’s called The Manual, and while we never tell the person what the rules are, we most definitely expect them to behave accordingly.

Likewise, the people in our life have a rule book for how we should behave. We don’t exactly know what their rule book says, but when we don’t act appropriately, they are displeased with us. When we don’t grieve the “right” way, or fast enough, they will try to help us do it better.

We think we can control people, for their own good of course. And people think they can control us. But the truth is that no one can control anyone, and it’s no fun to spend our life trying. It’s pure frustration.

For our own mental well-being, we need to burn the Manuals and let all the adults in the world get to behave exactly how they behave. It doesn’t mean we condone behavior, it just means that we release the reigns of attempted control (because, those reigns simply don’t work and never have).

But what about when boundaries are necessary?

First, let’s define a boundary, and let’s start by what it is not:

A boundary is not an attempt to get someone to follow your Manual for them (remember, we burned the Manuals). Said differently, a boundary is not an attempt to control someone.

A boundary is a violation of your physical or emotional space.

Here is how to set a healthy boundary.

• First, get clear on what your boundaries are. Think back to a time that you felt a boundary was violated - an invasion of your physical or emotional space (not a failed attempt at controlling someone).
• To set a boundary is to make a clear request with a clear consequence. It allows the person (adult) to have free will. For example, “If you choose to smoke in my car, I will drop you off because I don’t allow smoking in my car.” (Notice that it gives the person free will to smoke if they choose to.)
• Always follow through on the stated consequence. Be willing to feel the discomfort of following through. Otherwise, the boundary will not be taken seriously.

A healthy boundary basically says, “you get to act however you would like, but if you do X, I will then do Y.”

Burn the Manual. Then, if you still need to, set a healthy boundary and back it up with the promised action. Your life will become simpler, and in this life after loss, you deserve it.

If you’ve tried and failed with boundaries too many times to count, and you’re ready to end the struggle, my private coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides in your healing, just go to www.thesuddenwidowcoach.com and schedule a Hope Breakthrough Session and we’ll see if it’s a fit.