Activating acceptance

In my conversations with hundreds of people who have lost a spouse, I’ve observed some common themes:

This isn’t the life I had planned.

It never should have happened like this.

The toughest times were supposed to be behind me.

I should have been able to save him.

These comments represent a lack of acceptance, which is perfectly understandable. Refusing to accept this new reality is our right. It happens quite naturally.

I also want you to consider that it is a choice. To refuse to accept what has happened is to argue with reality; rail against it day after day; attempt to renegotiate it somehow. It is a constant looping of thoughts; a refusal to let it go.

It quickly drains the small amount energy and brainpower we might have had. It is incredibly exhausting.  

I say that it is a choice because it is all in our thinking. If you’ve been following me for a while, you already know that thoughts are simply sentences in our minds, all thoughts are 100% optional and thoughts create our feelings.

Any thought that falls into the refusal-to-accept category feels pretty terrible. It creates suffering that is piled on top of the pain of loss.

Let’s consider another option, if for no other reason than to feel less exhausted.

To accept is to say that it just is. Factually speaking, it did happen in exactly that way. It does not mean that we like it. It does not mean that we wouldn’t change it if we had the chance. It does not mean that we condone it.

Acceptance is saying that it did happen in order to free up brain space & energy that was otherwise directed to not accepting.

For example:

Some days are the one step forward two steps back shuffle of life after loss.

Okay, I’m crying already by 7 a.m. This is what we’ve got today.

Oh, this is the part when I’m running late and the car won’t start.

Adults behave exactly how they behave.

Notice that there is no need to applaud and no need to consent. Acceptance is to release the reins of attempted control. Because we don’t have control over our circumstances anyway, which includes the past, other people and the events of our lives.

We do, however, have complete control over our thoughts, which create our feelings, which fuel actions which ultimately create results in our lives, for better or worse.

What about the future? Try on thoughts that the future can be incredibly good and still honor your spouse. Anything is possible. These are forms of acceptance, too.

If you can’t stop looping in an attempt to renegotiate the past, or railing against reality in your daily life, and you’re ready to end the exhaustion, my private coaching program called Life Reconstructed can help. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and take bigger strides in your healing, just click here and we'll see if it's a fit.